I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!😂
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hey i know we haven’t talked since high school but we’re celebrating our 10 year friendversary on facebook. what are u up to tonight lol
Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby
You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?
I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.
Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.
[Forest]
GF: Oh god it’s a bear!Me: *Stuffs socks down front of pants*
GF: What are you doing?
Me: Making myself look big
Bear: Well hi
Me: I found this video of a great team-building exercise.
Boss: This is a Hunger Games DVD.
Me: [nods]
Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.
him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere
If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.
Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we
Pirate: No
some stupid little amoeba decided to leave the ocean a billion years ago and now i have to worry that tomorrow is monday
If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.
waiter: what’ll it be?
me: I’ll have chameleon
waiter: that’s not on the menu
me: how can you be sure?
The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.
yeah not falling for this one
When I’d go to church as a kid I’d always wonder why there were so many seats reserved for Usher
Are black guys the ones with big dicks?
Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.
hate playing make believe with little kids. u shoot them with a laser and theyre like “actually i went back in time so it doesnt count”. tf are u talking about. u just casually rip open a hole in the space-time continuum? thats irresponsible as shit pal
I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.
[first date]
HER: I really like you
ME: I like you too
HER: So did you bring protection?
ME: *gesturing to my bodyguard* Yeah, this is Tony
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm.
I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.
They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.
[Job Interview]
Boss: It says you are a great problem solver
Me: Yes
B: Can you give me an example?
Me: I’m hired
B: *whispers* holy shit
My co-worker’s wife just had her baby, so I told him “Happy… uh… baby!” because I couldn’t remember that normal humans say “congratulations,” and that tells you everything you need to know about me
I’d like to give a shout-out to the shower curtain, for always sticking by my side