i fact checked this, it’s true ☑️
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> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
I can’t stop laughing 🤣
Cthulhu is just the sound I make when I’m trying to reply to the dentist.
forget nudes: in 2019 we’re sending pics in our fanciest attire. gauzy floral skirts. ball gowns. the kind of fur coat worn by a wealthy lady who has been thrice-widowed and hasn’t seen her fourth husband in some time.
me: i would like a *prepares to wow vietnamese waiter with my attention to pronunciation* “pho”
korean waiter: we do not serve this dish
you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.
Can I donate fat instead of blood?
I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun
Yay parenting
This is a wasp nest that has grown around the flood lights on a garage and yes you will see it in your nightmares tonight
*scrolls through Facebook on Mother’s Day*
me: EVERY SINGLE MOTHER CANNOT BE THE BEST MOTHER EVER. THAT’S NOT STATISTICALLY POSSIBLE. BESIDES, MY MOM IS.
Me:*screaming in horror in the bathroom*
Him:*banging on door* Are you ok? WTF is going on?
M:I found a gray hair!
H:So?
M:IN MY EYEBROW!!
“You can have sex with my sister over my dead body”
“Umm, I appreciate the weird offer, but I’m just gonna do it in my car”
getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age
My girlfriend said she liked long walks so I bought her a dog.
[on phone]
Of course I trust you, babe. Always.
*searches Amazon for mini spycams with 1-day shipping*
If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.
Someone said “30 years ago”, and my mind went to the 1970s, but they meant 1994, and now I need to lie down.
ok like just. call me at this point
CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever
STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir
Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.
I’m so full I could puke a horse
Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
him: I got a new tattoo
me: what is it
him (lifting his shirt): it’s a replica of my thermos from work
me (leaning in to feel it): does it hurt
him: don’t you dare touch the thermos tat
and that how I knew he would make an excellent dad
Why do *I* gotta dress for success? Maybe success could be the one who puts a little more into this relationship
Them: Awwww, congrats! Are you about 6 months along?
Me: Nah, just ate a burrito supreme.
Them: I THINK IT’S TWINS!!!
I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up
The superstition where you hold your breath as you drive past a cemetery sounds like a ploy by Big Cemetery to fill more cemeteries.
Are you supposed to wear your Fitbit in the shower? I’m looking to break this thing as quickly as possible and need advice.