I heard many of these stories growing up…. 😂😂😂
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I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed
The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.
Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… – Me trying not to drop a baby.
I’ve been putting my sunglasses on and walking away from things in slow motion all day, nothing has exploded yet.
Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.
(way too loud, trying not to get murdered) Wow, the Boeing corporation’s manufacturing quality is top notch, outclassed only by their generous workplace policies
I keep a list of all the people who get on my nerves so I know who’s getting the glittery Christmas cards.
I just finished an eye exam and the receptionist asked me if I’m free on this same date next year for a follow-up appointment. Dude, I walked in here wearing my wife’s glasses because the prescription is close & I ran out of contacts–do you think I know what I’m doing next year?
I get it, Christmas tree. I too am better when I’m lit up.
Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.
Want healthy, youthful-looking skin? Follow this sure-fire daily routine:
1. Be young.
2.
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Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
One man’s trash is another man’s why the f*** is your trash in my yard.
My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.
My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.
Ask me how I know.
[stopped by cop]
Cop: License & registration
Me *slurring my words*
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: No, this is just who I am b4 coffee
Doc Brown: We have to be extra careful not to alter the past or the future!
Also Doc Brown: lmao flying train
Whenever I see a good looking firefighter, I stop, drop, and roll, so he knows I’m knowledgeable about fire safety.
I just accidentally said “I love you” when hanging up with the auto shop guy, so I’m just going to leave my car there and buy a new one
Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.
COP: Describe the robber to our sketch artist
ME: He had one eye higher than the other and his lips on his forehead
PICASSO: I got this
Boss: “Do you know why I’ve called you into my office?”
Into My Office: “Because that’s my name?”
Boss: “Yes, that’s right.”
[god making cheetahs]
Let’s just squish a giraffe and give it whiskers
shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!
“you are what you eat”
i don’t remember eating a handsome genius but ok
[during sex]
Her: talk nasty to me…
Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…
Her: omg so nasty
Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic
My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.
My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.
They are adding commercials to Netflix so GenZ will finally understand and appreciate our struggle