I just screenshot my blue check and made it my banner. That was easy. And free 😂
You Might Also Like
[spelling bee]
Your word is “redacted”
can you use it in a sentence?
The ██ ████ is █████ ████ and ██ ████.
The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day
Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.
When a patron comes into the library the Saturday after Thanksgiving and asks “What’s the right way to cook a turkey,” I know I’m being asked not to provide practical information but rather to get involved in a heated family dispute
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup
I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.
I like my coffee like I like my women: Much, much hotter than I have any business putting in my mouth. And sprinkled with cinnamon.
Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”
if I worked behind some kind of counter, every day I would simply wear a sleeping cap, and have two tip jars, labeled “honk shoo” and “mimimimimi”
ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.
computer, i’m sad. show me a headline to cheer me up
[job interview]
That’s all. Have any questions for us?
“Yes, did Air Bud get to use the team bathroom, or did they make him go outside?”
Waiter: would you like a lobster bib
Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously
Once a year you should legally be allowed to end someone else’s date. Just hand them a card that says “Overheard you two talking and it’s imperative for humankind that you don’t pursue this further. Thanks.”
your body is a ghost factory that takes one lifetime to produce a ghost
I’m not a hot mess I’m a room temp predicament
If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favourite songs.
What if Jesus was so chill because he was the only person alive unburdened by the knowledge that his parents had sex?
ME: Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder?
HER: Let me guess, he made a spectacle of himself?
ME: No. He died.
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
waiter: would you like a soup or salad?
clark kent: [laughs nervously] a super salad? i’ll just have a regular salad please
waiter: alri-
clark kent: [loudly] a regular salad for a regular man
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.
It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.
Science is a lie.
“No, the bubble isn’t a circle it’s a sphere.” – Keeping this uppity four year old in check.
Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.
scrooge: who are you
ghost: i’m the ghost of christmas present
scrooge: so santa claus
ghost: NOT THAT KIND OF PRESENT
It’s a good thing we invented calculus before we invented software patents otherwise every time anyone wanted to calculate the center of a mass we’d have to pay the Newton Estate like 12 cents.
I don’t need a home security system for my safety because as soon as someone breaks in and hears me moaning in the hallway from falling out of the bed, they’ll just turn around a leave.