I thought $3 eggs 🥚 were a lot
Until a saw a small bag of pistachios at the Airport going for $18
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The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.
Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.
*on a 1st date*
Her:..and I have 3 cats
Me: Swipe left
H: Did you say “swipe left”?!
M:
H:
M: *panicked whisper* swipeleftswipeleftswipeleft
What idiot called it proposing and not kneel diamond
Connor Sadzeck Connor Happyzeck
People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.
*Refuses to go to the gym
Adds resistance training to workout list.
Dear Stephen Hawking,
You’re not the boss of us.
Sincerely,
hawks
If you’re short on time in the morning, pouring a little gasoline in your toaster will make it cook faster.
I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.
Hairless cats look like the devil screwed up a possession.
Not sure what a Shakira coochie board is but white people really like it
WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.
Always end a conversation with “gotta run” so people think you’re into fitness
no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”
It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.
*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie*
me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein
Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?
Captain America: Um sure.
Spiderman: What should I do?
Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.
[first date]
*Ok don’t let her know you’re a vampire*
“Would you like a mint?”
*reaches in pocket, pulls out SPF 5,000,000,000*
“Dammit”
I should have been a Librarian, my favourite thing to do is telling people to shut up
[Carpool]
Me: Look, it’s a long commute and I only have time to eat in the car
Co-worker: But I can’t see the road over your fajita station
Me: *chewing* Sounds like a you problem
Him: who’s a good boy? Are you a good boy? You’re a good boy aren’t you yes you are
Dog: good god, Gary, how can you still not know?
After weeks of progress, I suddenly stopped losing weight. I hit a wall.
*puts ice pack on hand* OK, so I was a little upset.
My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.
“Press the cube root of the 11th digit of pi divided by .5 and doubled if you’d like to speak with a customer service representative.”
I swear, even my ex lasted longer than my phone battery does.
[puts key in lock]
DO YOU AGREE TO NEW TERMS & CONDITIONS?
“sigh.”
*Accept
[door opens, rooms are smaller, furniture is moved]
Dog: “Moooo!”
[Cannibal Restaurant]
Waiter: Need anything else?
Cannibal: No, I’m stuffed. I can’t even finish this. Could I get a body bag?
ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah
My greatest accomplishment as a parent has been convincing my kids that Chuck E Cheese closes for “flu season.”