I tweet with an abundance of sexual undertones like I’m not a huge blusher with absolutely no game whatsoever.🤭
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Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.
Inventor of fridge door ice cube dispenser: Let’s consistently surprise them with an extra ice cube that randomly shoots out after they are done filling their glass.
*Awkward missed high fives around boardroom table*
Mechanic said I blew a seal…
Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?
Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.
What’s faster than the speed of light?
A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.
Face it, wild horses could easily drag you away.
I mean, that miniature pony at the petting zoo could probably pull you for miles.
ME: Should I sneeze into my hand?
DOCTOR: No, sneeze into your elbow
ME: Can I shake hands with people?
DOCTOR: No, bump elbows with them
ME: …
DOCTOR: …
ME: …
DOCTOR: Let me get back to you on that last one
Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.
Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!
I have 2 friends that are trying to become models, and I’m just over here with 75 chicken mcnuggets in my cheeks like a squirrel.
My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.
I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
“what does your tattoo mean” i had money and nobody stopped me
A good spouse doesn’t complain about watching their partner’s stupid shows. A good spouse looks up spoilers online then slowly and strategically makes what appear to be highly astute observations about characters & plotlines, planting seeds that may not bloom for several seasons.
Sometimes I think about the time I ditched school and hitchhiked and got picked up by a substitute teacher.
He took both kids grocery shopping by himself so I could “relax” so now I’m sitting here suspicious that he’s done something to piss me off.
Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.
no one:
coworker at a part time job you’ve known for one calendar day: so remember when I told you about that guy I’ve been texting Brian well anyway I hooked up with his roommate just to see what he’d do and lemme just read you this text I got from him just now ok so he goes,
*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*“Shit.”
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.
Got capsaicin in my eye again. I, justly, blame the squirrels.
Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.
I preface this by stating that I love my local library but, seriously, how difficult would it be for them to add a bar? Nothing fancy – just a few spirits, domestic beer. But oh no, apparently there are ‘other places’ better suited to accommodate such things!
Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.
If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send
What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.
“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.
[social gathering]
guy: wow, you work in an ER?
me: yep
guy: [whispering] so, uh, what’s the craziest thing you’ve seen in the ER?
me: [whispering back] a dermatologist with a zit
I have no tolerance for people who refuse to give different voices to characters in a book they’re reading to their kid.