Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nothing says I’m drunk like:

“I’m drunj.”

do you guys have PC & cheese? i’m not really a mac guy

[First day as a detective]

Me *pouring a drink*: let’s play never have I ever

Murder suspect:

Me: never have I ever shot a guy

Suspect:

Me: never have I killed guy… even by accident? *nudges their drink closer*

Suspect: dude stop

Me: *mouthing* ᵀᵃᵏᵉ ᵃ ˢᶦᵖ

Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.

I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore

It’s a dad joke because the corniness is readily a parent.

Last night my son got sick, so he went to his room to lay down. Could barely move and he looked horrible.

Half an hour later the ice cream truck comes down the street and guess who RAN to the door begging for ice cream 😂

Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.

Saw a girl wearing a hoodie, shorts and UGGs. My stepdaughter said, “Seasonally challenged sluts are the worst.” I am beyond proud.

There has been a pencil case on the landing of my staircase for a week now. I notice it every time I go up or downstairs, but vowed not to pick it up just to see if someone else would.

There will be a Covid vaccine before this pencil case gets moved.

As a teacher, you’re sometimes privileged to witness life moments. I saw a girl approach a boy to ask if he wanted her number.

He paused, then pulled out his phone. Utter joy on the girl’s face.

I then confiscated the phone as it’s against rules to have it out in the corridor.

“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.

My kid just asked if ‘duct tape’ is short for ‘abduction tape’.

… we’re totally nailing this parenting thing.

Mom asked me if I would pick up some things for her at the ‘Dime Store’, great, now I’ve got to go all the way to the 70s.

If you kill the question, what do you bury?

The question remains.

Idioms are annoying so I won’t count chickens that cry over spilt milk at the drop of a hat or bark up the wrong apples and oranges tree because at the end of the day, it is what it is, and it ain’t over til the fat lady kills two birds with a piece of cake.

I have this funny thing I do where I say ‘we should grab a beer sometime’ when what I mean is ‘I need to end this call now’.

My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis

If you wanna get on a diet replace the light in your fridge with an air horn .!!

Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.

me: dating is hard

me on a date: like what if godzilla was an atheist and we just named him that

Let me play you the song of my children.

*open and closes door 20 times*

Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.

Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.

During this difficult time, I urge all parents to go through their children’s toys after they go to bed tonight and throw out any kazoos and whistles.

It’s too late for me, but PLEASE save yourselves!

I just sneezed my wife awake from a nap so any discussion about renewing vows is on hold for a bit.

I hate when things are inscrutable. just wanna scrute ‘em so BAD.

I don’t wanna be an alpha male or a beta male. I wanna be an armadillo so when I’m stressed I can just @ and roll away from my problems

[rhyme factory]
BOSS: get cracking on those words that rhyme with “ow”
WORKER: yes sir
bow
cow
dow
how
*boss looks away*
low
mow
*boss looks back*
now
pow
*boss looks away again*
row
sow
tow
*boss looks back*
vow
wow