I wish I tried half as hard at anything as the cooking world does to substitute regular pizza dough with random bullshit.
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Me: oh look, there’s keith, don’t say anything, but he’s obsessed with doors. Oh, hi keith.
Keith: Shut it.
Me: That’s the murder house on the street.
Friend: That’s your house.
Me: Yea
I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!
Someone asked to share my table at a coffee shop and then asked me to leave the table because they have a meeting??? Am I in an episode of Seinfeld??
The most unrealistic part of The X Files was how no one got called into a budget meeting. It’s a government agency for crying out loud
My 13-year-old was quietly giggling as I opened my phone, and I realized he had changed the settings so the text is significantly bigger. Not sure if I’m more annoyed that he took a jab at me for being old, or that I can actually see a lot better now.
Lionel Richie: 🎶hello is it me you’re looking for?
caller: actually yes I’d like to speak to you about your car’s extended warranty
I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
Advantage: human.
My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.
Me: [my mouth full] I didn’t know you guys did edible arrangements
Florist: we don’t
me: *falling asleep*
youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders
me: you have my attention
“Don’t you dare. Don’t you lick it. Don’t! Do not lick the butter,” I yell threateningly at the cat.
I didn’t realize that was an option
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Next time you decide to complain about your problems, just remember, some guy out there has Snooki as his mom …
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane’s going down. Look, stop screaming, that’s not going to make me a better pilot
For April Fool’s Day, Pizza Hut Taiwan has rolled out a “flavorless” pizza, which is just a giant hole with nothing inside
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“Damn girl are you?” -Existentialist pick-up line
I installed a mirror inside my fridge to make it look fuller, and now I have two empty fridges.
Literally any podcast host asking their guest a question
A new survey shows that 37% of people would let a bird poop on them for good luck. Which makes more sense than the other 63%, who are just in it for the experience.
[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito
They say the longer you’re married, the more you and your spouse start to look alike. My wife and I can open each other’s iPhones using face ID.
I like going to the cemetery early in the morning because, if you’re calm and patient, the skeletons will approach and even eat right out of your hand.
The Twelve Days According to Mom
12 stacks of laundry
11 dirty diapers
10 toddler tantrums
9 teenage eye rolls
8 unwashed bottles
7 errands to run
6 kids fighting
5 min sex life
4 mins to shower
3 broken nails
2 giant eye bags
1 tired mom
Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.
Hugh Jackman denies ever taking steroids to transform into Wolverine:
“I had been told what the side effects are… I don’t love my job that much.”
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sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i’ve seen jaws 3.
Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee
Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.