#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
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Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.
In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.
Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg
Is fructose made with real fruct?
if there’s something that needs to be picked up off the floor, I think to myself “do I really need it that bad” and most of the time the answer is “no” so I just leave the baby there
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank account.
Leaning over with an open bag of skittles in your shirt pocket: a tragedy in one act
Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.
(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon
Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.
[wife comes out wearing pretty dress]
me: that’s my favorite dress
wife: aww, how swee-
m: take it off
w: but we need to-
m: I wanna wear it
Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything
Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?
I had no idea being an adult would involve so many lotions.
People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.
*Dressing up like a School Lice Outbreak Notice for Halloween*
Sometimes when I’m about to sneeze, I snort some glitter. Then when I finally sneeze, glitter fills the air and people think I’m a wizard.
Wife just shouted to me to get my big chopper out .After the panic subsided, I realised she meant we were out of firewood for the stove.
Husband: You want to have sex?
Me: We probably shouldn’t because I’m coughing.
Husband: Ewww. I didn’t say I wanted to kiss.
Me:
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
Text:
Me: I want you to know I love you from the depths of my soul. You are my essence & the reason I live. With you, I am whole.
Her: K
Age 15: kids are stupid
Age 25: kids are stupid
Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid
There are two types of people in this world:
1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once
2)Liars
It’s too bad my sister wasn’t kinder to me in middle school.
**orders nephew a bullhorn for Christmas**
pirahna: my tooth is killing me
dentist:
pirahna: way in the back
dentist: how are u even out of water
My kid told me whenever I don’t wear makeup everyone thinks I look tired. So now we’re playing a fun game of going through the church photo directory to find out exactly who said that about mommy
“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.
My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.
7: Mama, are you lonely when we go to bed?
Me: (Handle this like a great mom. Get the look off your face. Don’t laugh.) Of course, sweetie.
The projected sales figur-
*phone buzzes*
the proj-
*buzzes again*
*checks phone*
Excuse me for a moment gentelmen I’m being owned online
Mary Poppins: 🎶A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down🎶
Death Row inmate: how did you get in here