If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣
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“rejection is god’s protection” ok but from what? Happiness?!?
Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER
[ Dad having “the talk” with his daughter]
Dad- The best way to protect yourself is to use a condor.
Girl- You mean a condom?
Dad- * Hands her a gauntlet * Nope.
Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.
Sorry I screamed in terror when you showed me that pic of your offspring. She’s a very lovely whatever the hell she is.
omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client
Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?
Mockingbird: I imitate other birds.
Hummingbird: I make a humming noise. What do you do?
Swallow: *Blushes*
HER: [parallel parking] i’m so bad at this
HIM: you should probably get tested
HER: lol it’s not that bad
HIM: i have chlamydia
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Tonight, people who are weaker, slower, and dumber than you will deliver bags of treats to your very doorstep. Seize this moment.
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car
I abuse music so badly. I’m always like: make me feel good, watch me dance, listen to me sing, improve my mood. She must be sick of my shit.
Ladies, if you receive flowers with no card on them today they’re from me.
Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
Accidentally threw my phone in the garbage bin outside while trying to toss a bag and if that’s not a sign from the universe I chose to ignore when I fished it back out I don’t know what is
I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.
No my Darling, I won’t be skipping to the loo. I have a situation and I shall be walking, ever so slowly, ever so carefully, to the loo. Like I’m transporting nitroglycerin in a Conestoga over the Sierra Nevada.
It’s a proud parenting moment seeing your kid throw away their own trash. You may also solve the mystery of the missing silverware.
A bright side to having kids is that if I’m ever trapped in my car I have 3 years worth of half-empty water bottles and goldfish to live on.
Apparently trying to edit the family cookbook to include ‘minced feelings’ at the end of every recipe’s ingredients list is “not okay” and I need to “seriously cut it out”.
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Wife: “No.”
*takes pants off*
*tries on another pair in The Gap change room*
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can’t be good…….
it’s so sad that aladdin was my favorite movie as a kid and now i can’t even remember the main character’s name
Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.
*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile
Welcome to your 40s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
Him: Can you turn on the wifi?
Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*
My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.