if i text you “🤩” it means i have a starfish over each eye
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me: *finally catching up financially*
the brakes on my car: hehe
Her: Wow, how’d you get that black eye?
Me: *thinks back to that husky raccoon lying in wait* BAR FIGHT
cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could
If you ever find yourself drowning in a pool of egg whites and sugar, simply keep thrashing until you’re resting comfortably on a pillow of meringue.
It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.
One of the best compliments I ever received was when my brother told me that Mystery Science Theater 3000 was “basically like watching a movie with you.”
The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.
Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.
I just feel like you shouldn’t be using a selfie stick unless you’re a T-Rex.
I told the baby to stop throwing her cup and she immediately grabbed it, took a long drink, threw it across the room and then looked me dead in the eye and said, “Uh oh.”
I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.
*me petting my cat*
CAT: This is the happiest I will ever be*a door opens*
CAT: Now is my chance to flee this prison and never return
her: kids grow up so fast these days
me: I know, it was scary when I asked my daughter how old she was and she held up three fingers
her: exactly!
me: she wouldn’t tell me where she found them
I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.
Apparently in yoga when the instructor says, ‘next we go into our downward dog,’ it is frowned upon to make the ‘bowchickabowow’ sound.
*Attempts to give a Homeless guy change*
Him: Thanks. You never know, one day my situation might be you.
Me: Really? *holds on to change*
My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving
Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?
I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.
friend: how’d you get all that money?
me: i made a deal with the devil
[earlier]
the devil: $30k for the car, final offer
me: ok deal
Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
You seem like the type of person I might give my heart to, but as nervously as I’d be watching a drunk holding a newborn.
The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.
My husband just walked into the living room and saw me chilling on the couch, then went back into his office… and suddenly I hear him telling his gaming friends “Hannah is begging me to go hang out with her, sorry guys I gotta go now”
I am my husband’s “my mom said no” 💀😂💀😂
My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.
Stop wasting ur 20s complaining about how it’s hard to make friends and start screaming “oh my god I love your bag” from across the street
When I go to type “Lmaooooooooo” and accidentally forget the A
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Friend: Wanna go out and watch the game? We can get some food maybe.
Me: You had me at “get drunk.”
Friend: I didn’t say that.
Me: It’s a no from me.
ants in the garden ? Run a hose from your bbq gas cylinder and put it into the ants nest and turn it on, just a little, removed hose and carefully light the hole… what could possibly go wrong??
One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter
[In Bed]
Her: You feeling spicy tonight?
Me: Imma be honest. At best I’m a Honey BBQ on the Buffalo Wild Wings chart.