If pigeons and chickens made a tribe would the be called the coo clucks clan ?🤔
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Me: Hello, can you force an update on my computer that will affect most of my vital programs in a negative way?
Microsoft: Actually, we were just about to push an update to do that.
Me: Can you also offer no help to fix the issues?
Microsoft: Have we ever not let you down?
The pizza theorem:
“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”-Science
Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?
I’m so broke identity thieves sent a fruit basket with a note.
“Sorry about the ID theft. Please tell your creditors to stop calling us.”
Me: *wakes up*
My body: whoa whoa whoa show down there cowboy
Me: Make sure you close the bag.
My kids:
I just realized my 5-year-old has been stressed because he thought that a “trim around the ears” meant that we were going to take him upstairs and cut his ears off.
the three branches of government
My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.
Breakfast is weird at my house.
(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang
My buddies and I used to play bank account chicken where you wire them the full contents of your account and say “bet you won’t send it back” but our wives made us stop
If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.
Man Who Didn’t Order Anything Online Still Checks Name On Package Just In Case Amazon Sent Him A Little Present
(interview for construction job)
Foreman: Your resume is just pictures of LEGOs?
Me: (proudly) Didn’t even have to look at the instructions
Cashier: Your total is $2,967.
Me: Okay. Please take off the greeting card.
Cashier: Your total is now $7.
Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.
Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need
Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”
In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.
Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
Before you fall in love with me, you should probably know that I will read the entire menu twice of a restaurant I’ve been to a hundred times only to order the same thing I always do…
Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.
Hey middle-aged people who suddenly change your first name–screw you. I’m calling you what I’ve been calling you for the last 10 years.
Saw a homeless white girl begging for money. I didn’t give her any, because I know how they are, always blowing it on Starbucks.
“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.
Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.
Yes I did run that bus full of children off the road but I was late for my LARPING championship.
I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.
My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.