‘If you call me from a Private number… I’ll respect your Privacy and won’t answer.’ 💥
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[first day in prison]
Hey new fish what you in for?
“Killed 4 people during a game of Mario Party”
*everyone backs away slowly*
My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.
Took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.
16: I hate old people.
Me: That’s where you and I are different.
16: You like old people?!
Me: No, I hate everybody.
Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie
My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.
“And you sarge, got anyone special back home?”
“An Internet commentor. Wants me to provide facts against his point. Said he’d wait for me.”
Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”
they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be
Waiter: how did u find your meal
Me: *sweating* i…i looked down
In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison
How to sleep:
1. Lay down
2. Dim lights
3. Dwell about literally every mistake you’ve made in your life for 6 hours
4. Rest for 9 minutes
Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.
Wife: “You want to come upstairs?”
Me: “Hell yes!”
Wife: “I was talking to the dog.”
Never take legal advice from anyone named Sparkles.
*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama
Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
[Produce Aisle]
Sir, we’re going to have to ask you to leave.
*mouthful of like 20 grapes *
“That lady took one too!!”
Twelve years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe that he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
Do you know where mansplainers get their water from?
Well, actually…
Kids will keep you humble. If not by their words, then by the picture they drew of you.
Q: Which US President has the most trouble keeping his eyes open?
A: Abe Blinkin’
Come on down to Professor Cookie’s Very Good Joke Store where you can find very good jokes like this one.
Whenever I ask indie filmmakers how they got funding for their movie they always describe a mysterious millionaire they never met who appeared out of nowhere needing to get rid of money for tax purposes. If you know this millionaire please connect me asap….
Sex so bad the Oompa Loompas sang a song about it.
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
Eleanor Rigby: Yep so I’m a church janitor
The Beatles: So you must be lonely as shit. Like that’s so sad. Man that sucks so much, for you.
Eleanor Rigby: No actually, idk where you-
The Beatles: I’m going to write a song about this
If you try to rob my house, you should know that the item in the house I paid the most for are my son’s braces.
Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.
“Expecto me to be there”
Harry Potter RSVPing to a party