If you love someone let them go.. If they come back just be yourself they will be gone again in 2 days😬😂
You Might Also Like
Reading that the economy is good while perusing 1 bedroom apartments being rented for 5,000 dollars a month and looking at jobs that pay 31,000 dollars a year.
When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.
*getting hit on by someone else’s boyfriend* aw he must smell my boyfriend.
[at funeral] You really had to see him live
The main difference between barbers and land mine sweepers is that if the barber takes a off a foot or two, he’s having a GOOD day.
When your name is Jenn & people think it’s short for Jennifer, but it’s really short for Jennatalia.
I think I’m about six months away from the perfect ‘before’ picture.
*As the Titanic sinks*
Bandleader: Next, we’d like to play something off our new album
Guy clinging to railing: BOOOOOOO
Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk
Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”
-Netflix.
Me: Pull my finger.
Doctor: Ok.
[finger detaches]
Me: AAAAHHHHH!
Doctor: AAAAHHHHH!!!
ME: haha j/k that’s actually why I came in.
Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone
sorry I missed your call, 95% of the calls I get are from robots trying to steal my credit card information so this entire method of communication is now dead to me
on average, a shark can swallow up to 7 octopuses every night while it sleeps
Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.
Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.
Hey Joe, don’t think we can use this ad.
Why not? We’re roofers.
Yes, but “Hot shingles in your area looking to get nailed” seems extreme.
me: (reaches for the bill) no no, i got it
my date, grabbing her stuff to leave my apartment: thank u for paying your own electric bill
Urge is strong to leave work early on summer Fridays to avoid traffic. Most do it & become the traffic they sought to avoid.
I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.
Nephew just whispered something into a Cadbury Easter Bunny’s ears then broke off its head.
I’m sleeping with the lights on.
I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.
My son just suggested a foundation to bring young tortoises to important events so that 150 years later people can say “this tortoise witnessed Biden’s inauguration” etc
The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.
Sometimes I wish I had Jesus in my life.
Mostly when I’ve run out of wine.
you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.
Can’t wait until my wife hears that someone tried to throw a wood-mounted singing largemouth bass in the garbage because it ran out of batteries
I opened a new package of Oreos and ate half of it which is bad because now I need to eat the other half and bury the empty package in the garbage, or my family will know that I ate half a package of Oreos in one night.