If you’re feeling this, that’s normal. Take it easy ❤️
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‘The cat is up on your counters again.’
~The monster under my bed.
The alarm clock has the best job in the world. It wakes up, sends everyone to work, and goes back to sleep.
.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.
Some people are like a ray of spray tan.
I’m feeling a little too good about myself today, I guess I’ll call my mother.
[Spelling bee]
JUDGE: Spell “Insubordinate”ME: *Lips on mic* No.
JUDGE: I don’t… where do we go from here?
Waits for the worst possible time to tell you that they have to pee…
~Kids
I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said “Good afternoon folks” they will let you take their order.
sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
How to fall downstairs……
Step 1
Step 6
Step 9,10,11,12
That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers
Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.
I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.
starting to realize that maybe the only reason i go to see movies in theaters is so i dont hav to face my reflection during dimly lit scenes
Him: *hands me glass of clear liquid* Is this glass half full or half empty?
Me: Is that water or vodka?
Him: Vodka.
Me: Empty.
Marriage, Year one: I love watching you shave. You’re so cute!
Marriage, year ten: You leave whiskers in that sink one more time and I’ll drown you in it
The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.
If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.
10YO: [on her ipad] beat my high score!
ME: y’know they’re just numbers on a screen right? they don’t mean anything
[checks follower count]
*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*
Totally stoked to find some chicken in my chicken noodle soup
If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.
Facebook friend: If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you-
SHUT UP, SHANNON. YOU’RE *ALWAYS* AT YOUR WORST.
Young couple: “She has the most adorable laugh!”
Married couple: “Her laugh is like if a braying donkey swallowed a kazoo.”
Always leave them wanting their money back.
am dying at this guy in the abercrombie&fitch netflix documentary explaining the concept of a shopping mall
[at the club]
Me: …everyone seemed to be just fine with Superman wearing red knee high boots
Her: Just take them off