If I don’t get an A for my daughter’s school project, I’m gonna be pissed.
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I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
I’m so jealous that guys can poop standing up
Me: *brings a package inside*
4yo: What’s is in there? Is it toys?
Me: Just some bras.
4yo: Ugh! Someone keeps sending you bras.
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
The entire premise of Scooby Doo was if you’re scary enough people will leave you the hell alone to pursue your passion. It’s been a guiding principle of my adult life.
The secret to brushing a toddler’s teeth is to play some music, use two toothbrushes… then have a good laugh at yourself for thinking there are any real parenting hacks
My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.
Exercise gives you energy but you need energy to exercise. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me
This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?
– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone
*butterfly climbing out of chrysalis*
oh my god I’m turning into my mother
The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.
*At a restaurant, 3yo not sitting still*
Aunt Lisa: What’s wrong, dude, do you have ants in your pants?
3: *Looks stunned, drops pants*. Can you get them out?!
Parents, let this be a reminder that young kids will take 99.9% of what you say literally.
Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
my boss: how are you late to work again
me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away
[me complaining about how many apps on my phone are purple] like I really gotta look before I press it ya know
[guy 911 told me to keep talking to till the paramedics arrive] definitely annoying
Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.
I’ve joined a 12 step program.
Six to the fridge. Six back to the couch.
*House Hunters
“Greg and Tina have been looking for months. She needs a house that ‘flows,’ and now he longs for the sweet relief of death. Can they both get what they want?”
Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.
[at a dance]
HER: why don’t you take the lead
ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya
If you find a perfectly usable item discarded outside someone’s house, it’s best to assume it is haunted and leave it well alone:
– a nice chair? No, an evil chair
– a child’s bike? No, a possessed child’s bike
– a half-eaten burrito? Eat the burrito
Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we
Pirate: No
The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six
It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.
date: this is so romantic
me: just the two of us
date: and the stars
me: and the moon
the moon: *winks at my date*
me: *narrowing eyes* son of a-
Woman in bar *winks at me* wanna go back to your place?
Me: hell yeah![Later]
Me *alone at home* hang on
You want to sext?
*blushes*
Ok, but I’m not very good at it.*frantically types*
AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH…
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?