I’m sorry but I love this one 🤣🤣🤣
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6: My favorite kind of melon is Watermelon. What’s your favorite kind of melon?
11: Post Melon
6:
My husband knocks on our fishtank when the fish are chasing and biting each other. As if they’re gonna be like, “Shit, we better stop, Dad’s home.”
I know I have a dark sense of humour sometimes, but I’m genuinely just trying to make people laugh and never really trying to be offensive
Unless, of course, you’re vegan lol
Every great and accomplished chef had to start somewhere.
My phone just told me my network was unstable.
Same, girl. Same.
I introduced my kids to the “magical snap of sleep”, when I snap my fingers the person in bed falls instantly asleep, it worked beautifully on my husband but the kids are still awake
Hey old couples. Email addresses are free. You can each have your own. Wait… Just gave that more thought. Forget it. Keep sharing.
Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born
MOM SHE JUST KICKED ME AREN’T YOU GOING TO DO SOMETHING?
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am her mother
ARE YOU GOING TO SAY THAT FOR EVERY—
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am your mother
[gets pulled over]
me: problem, officer?
cop: you were swerving, i want you to count backwards from 100 for me
[2hrs 36m later]
me: how was that
cop: did you really need the “bottles of beer on the wall” part before every number
I’m like the lemon seed that sinks to the bottom of your water glass and then shoots up your straw unexpectedly, trying to choke you.
If I were a hairdresser, my business cards would say, “I’ll cut you.”
*sees sharp scissors, hot glue guns, and simmering office rage*
Maybe team building with arts and crafts wasn’t such a great idea.
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“People who make Latin jokes are a bunch of ani.”
me: yeah, i’m into fitness…fitness this whole pizza in my mouth.
executioner: did you plan your last meal around this?
Just choked on a apple…
Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..
I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.
My mom has been gone for three weeks and left my dad with the credit card. His surprise to her when she came home was a glow in the dark toilet seat and when he showed her all he said was “BEHOLD”
If I tell you I’m running 10 minutes behind, that means 10 minutes later than normal. So, 20 minutes-ish.
I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.
Look 2020, I just think I should start seeing other years
Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.
“I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!”
Brain: LOL
Empty bottles: LOL
Wine shop owner: LOL
New bottle: LOL
Bottle opener: LOL
Liver: LOL
Me: LOL
My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.
Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.
jk rowling: every character will have a meaningful arc. harry finds the family he never had
editor: nice
jk rowling: ron faces his fears. hermione questions authority.
editor: what about, what’s his name, neville?
jk rowling: oh, shawty gets DUMB thicc
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home.
As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence
Wonder when that family from Russia is going to realize I took a selfie instead of a photo of them standing in front of the Chinese Theatre.
Yes, curling is silly and basically janitorial work, but that guy’s gonna have a gold medal, and all you’ll have is your joke about curling.