Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.
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Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.
Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order
“they arent wearing seatbelts” – my mom watching a car chase scene in any action movie
[Russian class]
Um, why did I fail this test?
Teacher: You just wrote in English and added “ski” to the end of the words…
I knowski.
At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.
Me (internally): Please say bedridden, please say bedridden…
Dr: You look great! See you again for a check up next year.
Me: sigh
Wife: You should’ve written your best man speech
Me: Relax I can freestyle[Wedding]
Me: On Dave and Sarah’s big day, I’d like to
Dave *whispers in my ear*
Me: On Dave and Rebecca’s big day
God I hate condescending assholes!
(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)
GROUND CONTROL: Major Tom how you doin’ up there?
MAJOR TOM: Floating in a most peculiar way. The stars look very different today…
GROUND CONTROL: *hits mute button* Again with this guy. *releases button* That’s great. How ’bout we run through some flight diagnostics?
Scientists hard at work to find out what the other 98% of 2% milk is: “Probably not bees,” says one scientist. “Dear god what if it’s bees?”
Cop: “Any idea why I pulled you over?”
Me: “you’ve got a fat guy fetish?”
Cop: …
I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.
The school asked my wife to stop me driving with the kids in the car as their teachers are tired of explaining that the things I yell at other road users aren’t biologically or physically possible.
There were times when there was only one set of prints in the sand, that was when I was out getting burritos
“I’m gonna find whoever stole the wheels off my car”, I said tirelessly
A childless co-worker just told me that he hasn’t been sick in 5 years
Meanwhile, I’m a dad of 3 living in a bubbling cauldron of plague-infested boogers, pee, and sick-vapor.
Sooooo……I don’t want to kill the guy
But should I sneeze on him just for fun?
I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”
[laying on top of me]
4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.
Cats always look like they have been on the phone with customer service for 3.5 hours and god dammit don’t you dare transfer me to another department Sharon
Replying to all emails with “ya think?”.
Mars rover quietly killing whatever life it finds.
The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.
i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did
wife: Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
me [whispers] Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
toddler [whispers] Because I have small hands
me: Because he has small hands
A word of caution from someone who took two (2) of his kids to their initial orthodontist appointments today: Before you decide that you can afford to have children, remember that children have teeth.
[before date]
friend: make everything about her
[date]
waiter: *trips and spills food everywhere*
me: *to date* this is all your fault
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE
THOR – “here”
HULK – “here”
IRON MAN – “here”
CAPT. AMERICA – “here”
USELESS ARROW GUY – …
I SAID-
HAWKEYE- I HEARD YOU
[at fire-station]
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
“Charity?”
Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft