βIβm sorryβ:
0:00πβββββββ0:06
β» β² β ‘ β³ βΊ
volume: β 5%β…butβ:
0:00πββββββββ70:28:54
β» β² β ‘ β³ βΊ
volume: βββββ ββ 100%
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Isnβt is weird how we have one million dog breeds and everyone is like βgoldendoodleβ this or βchihuahua mixβ that and if you ask someone what type of cat they have itβs just like βan orange oneβ
First thing I’m doing after getting vaccinated is going to visit my little brother. Second thing I’m doing is waiting until he uses the restroom to sync my phone with his Nest thermostat so I can change the temperature in his home from anywhere in the world. This is how I love.
Check out this image, then fill in the blank:
“All these two cared about was ____________”Finish the sentence here:
π·: elevasseur
My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.
So Iβve got that going for me.
[first day as a detective]
me: you say the suspectβsheβs got legs?
zz top: yes sir
me: and she knows how to use them?
zz top: thatβs right
me: *into walkie talkie* bring chun-li in for questioning
*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*
[breakfast]
ME: please pass the egg snow and the toast ketchup
WIFE: *reluctantly hands me the salt and jelly* you are really something else dude
Thereβs only one good girl here!
According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.
Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK
There are two types of stuff in life:
1) The stuff you need to know.
2) The stuff you want to know.
3) Maths.
Husband: *noticing my front clasp bra* Nice, did you buy that for me?
Me: *thinking how my shoulder no longer lets me reach my hand behind my back* Yeah, babe. You like it?
daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie
Iβd never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.
Imagine burning sage and passing out because youβre the bad energy
When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats.
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
*calls wife*
me: Can you bring me a shirt?
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.
Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…
Me: Iβm a solid eight
Friend: Wow. Out of ten?
Me: What lol god no
How and why my FUR ROOM exists
[Dinner party]
ME: *holding a plate of empty shells* Boy, those oysters were filling.
HOST: MY TURTLES!
BOSS: I’m firing you.
ME: Thank heavens!
BOSS: Why else would I call you here?
ME: Thought I was losing my job *puts on helmet*
BOSS: Lol. No. *helps me into cannon* Who else would do this?
Calling someone a βtough cookieβ is not a compliment, tough cookies are literally the worst cookies
It’s not just sex, I’d love to get to know you better. For example, tell me how youβd like to go home, bus or taxi?
Interviewer: u worked in sales before?
Me: yeah
Interviewer: what’s your background?
Me [gets phone out]: picture of my dog eating spaghetti
I retweeted my boss to let her know that I know she’s tweeting during the meeting.
the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog
It’s Facebook’s 10th birthday today. Let’s all click “Maybe” on the event invite and then not show up.