[interviewing to be a lifeguard]
me 🎶 I’m too sexy for my shirt 🎶 Too sexy for my shirt 🎶
interviewer: ok, I get it, you keep repeating that. Do you know CPR?
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*15th century*
Shaggy: ‘Twas not I
“Never let ‘em see you sweat” is my motto when I go to the gym
*gets to hell*
[In earshot of Satan] I HATE ICE CREAM AND WATCHING TV, DAMN THAT WOULD BE REAL TORTURE FOR ME. OH AND BEER, I ALSO HATE BEER
me when I see my crush
me: [putting hand on widow’s shoulder] this fell out of the casket
Facebook friend: If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you-
SHUT UP, SHANNON. YOU’RE *ALWAYS* AT YOUR WORST.
No toilet paper. My training kicks in. I barrel roll under the stall & onto the lap of the person in the next stall. I did not plan for this
Taking yesterday’s bad mood on a multi-day tour
Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.
Me in my 20’s:
I don’t want to leave the house if my Victoria’s Secret bra doesn’t match my thong.Me in my 40’s:
I don’t want to leave the house.
manipulative people really be like oh so now i’m the bad guy for being the bad guy
He was a sperm,
she was an egg
can i make it anymore ovulous
The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.
haha, we all make mistakes. for example, i ate some oysters that i found in the hotel hallway & now i can see my ancestors
My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did
BRUCE WAYNE: [enters meeting room still wearing Batman cape] what’s first today?
NEW GUY: OMG Bruce Wayne is Bat-
INTERN: [covering new guy’s mouth] we pretend we don’t know
There was a time when all I needed was to feed my grandpa’s goldfish, play with fridge magnets, and drink a 7up with a cherry… but daylight savings ruins everything
You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.
it’s called “no YOU were supposed to pay the electric bill”
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a Product Manager to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “let’s have a follow-up meeting” helps
after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion
He died doing what he loved: meeting people on Craigslist to buy furniture.
I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.
my ex was like “i know a spot” then took me to the lowest point in my life
Hey did you know that if you step on the gas and brake at the same time your car takes a screenshot.
4 am is a useless time. You can’t fall back to sleep at that hour and there is no point getting up.
When I’m president, we’ll do 11 pm twice and skip 4 am.
[magic school bus]
KID: where are we going today
MS. FRIZZLE: the zoo
KID: but last week we went to SPACE
MS. FRIZZLE: im hungover, children
When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.
My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.