It be like that sometimes 😆
You Might Also Like
Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake
[in the bedroom]
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: whoops my bad
HER: and in my eye
ME: sorry I can’t control it
HER: have you ever painted before
Every time my daughter drinks juice she says “cheers” so…. no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.
Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.
Me, massively hungover, listening to my coworker telling me about their weekend:
What’s that, turkey?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
Timmy fell in a well?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
[breaks turkey’s neck]
no time for your riddles, in the oven you go
1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”
[1994]
*rewinds tape with a pencil*[2016]
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*
Sometimes when I get a retweet… I blow on my phone, twirl it and slide it into my belt holster, then ride off into the sunset like a dork.
*goes out*
*realises why I stay in.*
Veterinarian: Curiosity killed the cat.
Dog: Sure, go with that.
“I’ll take movies for $500 Alex”
Tim Burton directed this dark tale starring Johnny Depp & Helena Bonham Carter
“You gotta be kidding me”
This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.
Wife: You clearly have a favorite child by the way you named them.
Me: Not true. I love both equally.
Mary: Thanks Dad
Mistake: I hate you
Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.
I was just reading a list of 50 things you should do before you die.
And it’s quite surprising that “Yell for help ” is not one of them!!!
My husband spent an hour at Home Depot yesterday and I spent an hour trying to find my husband in Home Depot yesterday.
She doesn’t have a Gmail account cause all her males are hot
My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.
Satan: Welcome to hell, where it’s hot and never not! Any questions?
Me: Yeah, where’s the second circle? They’re expecting me.
That snake Lucifer sent into the Garden of Eden was actually meant to be a cat but it didn’t feel like taking orders.
6-year-old: Can I have some Oreos?
Me: You have the flu.
6: I’m sick, not dead.
It’s not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.
I can’t watch porn with a storyline cause I get too invested and end up worrying about the delivery man losing his job for taking so long 🙁
My wife and I were happy for 24 years. Then we met.
“Damn girl, you look hot”
Really?
“Like a sexy little italian car”
DID YOU JUST CALL ME FIAT?!?
I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.
Note to self: Remove “Does anyone else know you’re here?” from list of first date small talk questions.
Average Guy: [writes her a song]
Girl: “Yeah, whatever.”Hot Guy: “Sup.”
Girl: “Oh my god, you’re so creative!”