It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈
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Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious
… then, I hit the salesperson with “do you know who my father is?”, their attitude changed after that
Children change a lot of things like now if I get lost in a corn maze I just lay down and take a nap or run toward the guy with a chainsaw.
Yesterday, I passed a beautifully remodeled ranch home with an adorable front porch and one of those country chic wooden board signs beside the front door with vertical letters saying:
G
O
A
W
A
YAnd I am here for that energy.
-Marital tech support, how can I help you?
-I’ve lost my connection to my wife.
-Have you tried turning her off and back on?
-I did the first part.
I’m willing to pay $2 to find out what the future is
Another way they could improve cricket is by having seven to eight golden retrievers on the pitch at all times
How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk
Earth Day…
…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!
Hear toddler having meltdown at Target
Me: Parents should control their kids!
Cashier: Isn’t she yours?
Me:
C: I saw her come in with you.
How deep is your love?
Please show all work.
I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.
I’m like American Cheese.
Krafty and oh so single.
Also terrible for you.
Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did
The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with
No matter which town/city in America you go to, there is one guarantee, and that is the locals absolutely roasting you for pronouncing the name of their town exactly how it is f***ing spelled
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…
He brews.
HIM: you promise you’re not an octopus?
ME: of course not silly
HIM: good. come in & meet my family
ME: *hugs all 4 of them at once*
[carnival]
me: I’d like an elephant!
face painter: on your cheek or…?
me: *unbuttoning pants* my wife is going to be so surprised
EVERYONE ELSE: i am terrified of the state of democracy in our nation
ME: digimon is short for digital monsters
Walking my 6yo out to the car and pointing at a patch of dead weeds in the yard he says, “Mom what happened to those plants?!” and I’m like “those were dead before I got here I did not kill them.”
Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”
When I win the lottery I’m getting a pool boy, maybe I’ll even get a pool.
Did you hear about how people in Athens don’t even wake up until noon?
They say dawn is pretty tough on Greece.
I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water
All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
Accidentally walked into the men’s room so I just went ahead and used the urinal so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
boss: we have to let you go
me: why
boss: its the only speaking in lyrics thing
me: em…
boss: Although you’re not doing it now which is good
me: see!
boss: ok you can stay
me: *under my breath* a