It’s really telling how society and Hollywood has been producing all sorts of content about others, but almost none about me, personally 🤔
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Me: Have fun on your date.
Son: What if she drinks too much, or gets high?
Me: You really aren’t my kid are you?
The only good thing about daylight saving time is tricking kids into bed early
Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.
GOD: I call this Tupperware
SATAN: remember when I let u crash at my place and u said u owed me one
G: yes
S: make the lid a little smaller
How come when I was a kid and lost a tooth it was all “Look at you, big guy!,” but now it’s just “Bro, you really gotta reconsider your life choices.”
skydiving instructor: were not letting you jump out of this plane without a parachute
me: *wearing a hat with a little propeller on top* just trust me
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]
Who’s drunk
*raises leg
Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.
I had an uncle who died on a trampoline. What he was doing with a trampoline in the middle of the Vietnam War, I’ll never know.
me logging onto twitter
Oh god I decided to look cute instead of wearing stretchy clothes and now I’m being bisected by the waistband of my pants and I have such regrets
There’s so much spilled soda, popcorn and candy in here my feet are sticking to the floor. I’d complain to the management except this is my apartment.
Whoever invented brooms, good job. I love your work. Use them all the time.
If you gain 4lbs in one weekend that just means you’re an overachiever.
ah yes the two sexualities, queer and italian
Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart
Some of y’all never had to risk it all for a LimeWire download and it shows
No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]
Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!
[on a date]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach
“that’s so cute. You dont have to be nervous”
[flashback to me eating some butterflies] ok
Everybody makes mistakes their first camping trip. For starters, going camping.
Dad: Tall latte
Barista: Sure thing. Can I get a name?
Dad: What your parents didn’t give you one?
*all the other dad’s give him high fives*
Saw a guy with a giant locust crawling on his back. So I did what any responsible adult would do, said nothing and stared until I got bored.
Kids are a great reminder that, when life knocks you down, you can’t stay down for long. No, because literally they’re going to ask you to make them a sandwich like right after.
My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.
Robin: “Let me drive the Batmobile!”
Batman: “Never. I’d rather let Superman.”
*wall breaks down*
Superman: “OMG really??”
Batman: “No.”
me: I put a siren on your car
cop: what’s that soun–
*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*
It’s pretty flattering when some random guy declares his love for you under a tweet. Especially if your the third chick he’s done it to in the last hour. So touching