If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
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Sorry I missed your call
I was in the 17th minute of watching my daughter help her sloth toy crawl across the room to hug me
Thanks for warning me to be careful after I slipped & fell. I’ll be sure to wish you luck on your lab test results at your funeral.
Cow it started Cow it’s going
Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.
Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
Funny how bullies only bully people who are susceptible to bullying.
They don’t bully people who’d throat punch em without thinking twice.
i met a girl in a bar bathroom once who was ready to fight this girl harassing me with zero context to the situation and we’ve been best friends ever since.
Robert Pattinson can play Batman but Christian Bale could never play Edward Cullen
A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.
Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.
Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.
DATE: did I say something to upset you?
ME: *stabbing my pasta extra hard with my fork* everyone is entitled to their opinion about the best ninja turtle, Karen
I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone’s gotta have multiple.
People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.
Boy, are you a destination wedding? Cuz I can’t come.
I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.
We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.
Nicknames are way more fun when the other person doesn’t know they have one.
I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.
wife: The school called. Guess why?
[flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69]
me: Why?
Had I known you were coming I would have baked a cake. Instead you get to watch me decapitate an iguana. You should call ahead.
(20s) ew this bar is full of old people let’s get out of here.
(50s) ew this bar is full of young people let’s get out of here.
Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
I was in a debate and someone defended their position by saying, “Opinions can’t be wrong”
I said, “In my opinion, opinions CAN be wrong. Thus proving the existence of at least one wrong opinion.”
Zookeeper: Sir, please leave the hippo enclosure.
Me: No. This is my family now.
ZK: They don’t actually eat marbles.
Me: I’m coming out.
Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.
Netflix should have a catergory called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”
Teaching my kids math like, “If Disney opens at 8am and closes at 8pm, how many 5-hour energies will Mommy need to bring?”