I’ve never met a mistake that I couldn’t make mistakier.
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me: [tries to spend time with kids. They don’t want to]
[Bed time]
Kids: I wanna do something with you! You don’t spend time with us!!
Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.
I need better friends
I’m working on a movie about the life of Pennywise the clown after he quits killing kids to pursue a career in sticky notes called: Post-It
I’ve been to Iraq twice and Afghanistan once. Still not as scary as my ex’s number popping up on my phone this morning.
Only 50 more days til we find out who’s our next President! Last time I was nauseous 50 days straight, at least I got a baby out of it!
I watched Dexter. Now I’m watching Cold Case Files Classic.
Netflix really needs to decide if I can get away with murder or not.
Me: *Chants in Latin in a deep, demonic voice while levitating*
My mom: Just ignore him. He’s only doing it for attention. Classic middle child syndrome.
evidently it’s ‘not appropriate’ to call the embassy when the grocery store is out of brazil nuts
Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.
It’s nice that the nations of the world have all agreed that movie tickets should be half price on Tuesdays. Something to build on as we forge a global consciousness
I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.
If I could travel back in time I’d probably forget why I went as soon as I got there.
When my date called himself the boogie man I was afraid we’d spent hours in a noisy club. Imagine my relief when we spent hours just randomly grabbing uncovered ankles from underneath beds.
ME: hey kids, who wants eggs, toast & bacon for breakfast?!
KIDS: we do!
M: I know right? who wouldn’t? here’s some cold pop tarts. eat up
One of the best
Cinderella update where the girl leaves her Invisalign on the table as she flees the party & the prince tries to fit it into the mouth of every girl in the land
me: who wants to play two truths and a lie
guy who named the red delicious apple: me first
Sometimes I order Domino’s but give them Pizza Hut’s address. And when they show up and start fighting, just wait with my mouth open.
Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity
Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.
PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted
Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁
My kid asked how the Easter bunny gets inside the house and I’m very uncomfortable with the amount of lying this parenting gig requires.
Me food shopping alone: $250.00
Food shopping w/the husband: $99.75
Food shopping with the kids: $699.00
[serial killers talking] Anyway I stood there for like 10 minutes, but she never wiped the steam off the bathroom mirror so I just left
The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
I have an important question about the movie CATS which will ultimately determine whether or not I see it:
At any point in the film does one of the CATS cats sit in a cardboard box that is a little too small for them
[at job interview]
It says here that you are very hands on.
Yes, sir, I am.
Can you give me an example of this?
*gently caresses his face*
Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!
Alexa: Hold my beer!!!