john denver: 🎵life is old there. older than the trees.🎶
me: wow that’s old.
john denver: 🎵younger than the mountains🎶
me: oh not that old then.
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Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY
Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…
Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.
Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that
This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.
Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists
what’s for dinner?
ME: indian
we had indian last night
ME: i know, but i forgot to do the ‘i see a little sillhouetto of a naan’ joke so
if the second I text you back, you call me because you know I’m holding my phone, I will call the police.
Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot
Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .
[New printer]
Align printer *prints page*
Clean printhead *prints page*
Print this test page *prints page*Ink low, replace cartridges
obsessed with this tiktoker who has leaned into his miss piggy impression by recreating movie scenes like the monologue from hereditary
One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.
lieutenant: we did it, after all these years we caught the floppy disk bandit
officer: lol wtf is a floppy disk
floppy disk bandit: *intense sobbing*
I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying
pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
WEAR CLOTHES OTHERS DARE NOT.
I have the impulse control of a random number generator.
Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.
“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.
Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.
HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives
ME: Glad to be here, Mort
I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.
MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: An alarm clock that sounds like a dog’s pre-puke warning grunts.
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
If my ex taught me one thing it’s that women don’t like it when you sneak in their bedroom to watch them sleep after you’ve divorced.
I want to be a server at a restaurant that serves fish jelly, just so when people order it, I can say “I don’t think you’re ready.”
[trapped inside a volcano]
Me:
Toddler:
Me:
Toddler: Be Careful…
Me: *sigh*
Toddler: The floor is lava…
Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.
[After my wife ate my bag of M&Ms I was saving for later]
Wife: You’re being so over-dramaticMe *texting her back from motel room* am I
Me: What are we doing for Valentine’s Day?
My Husband: Raising three kids