wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no
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People who camp are like, “But camping is so much fun!” and then tell you a story about how they had to fight a raccoon at 2 AM.
FOUND: 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED RATS LIVING IN LOCAL DUMPSTER.
PLEASE CONTACT IF YOUR 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED PET RATS ARE MISSING.
If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.
G: Grandma (completely safe watch with grandma)
PG: Partial Grandma (slightly awkward)
PG13: 13 or more cusses (very awkward)
R: NO grandmas
*RSVP’ing to Christmas party*
Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate?
Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT
[limbo contest]
Everyone: *chanting* how low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.
me: I made a model of the himalayas
friend: did you build them to scale?
me: no, just to look at
friend: what
Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow
Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy
Me[seeing snow for the first time]: Damn, that rain is thicc!
Why is the gynecologist tool called a speculum and not a “snatchula”?
how are we still getting a new year? we couldn’t even take care of the last one
I bought a round area rug from IKEA, and these instructions not only saved me hours of confusion, they really helped me plan my weekend
My son said that he was bored so I told him he could vacuum, dust or clean the kitchen & Oh! Look at that!
He’s nowhere to be found.
waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not
Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”
I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.
“Welcome to daycare. Here’s your eye infection.”
Couldn’t find my credit card while in line at the market.
*panic sets in.
Then I remember…yesterday I gave it to my daughter to pick up take-out….So she still has it.
*extreme panic sets in
Me: I want a snack.
Husband: You could have veggies.
Me: …I have never felt less heard in this marriage than I do now.
AMAZON: Did you buy a watch?!
ME: Yeah, it’s-
AMAZON: You might want THIS watch!
ME: No I already-
AMAZON: ONLY WATCHES FOR YOU, FOREVERMORE
A guy in Hawaii survived a shark attack while surfing by punching the shark in the face and I get scared to take a shower if I see a spider.
“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”
reduce, reuse, recycle
Them: dial 911!
Me: this thing can make calls?
*Japanese Zen garden tour*
Guide: It’s important to be quiet & not disturb the-
*Me from back eating huge bag of chips*: DUDE WE CANT HEAR U
Take them to a sporting event on your first date. You don’t want to waste time dating someone who claps like an idiot.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
Fitness tip: It’s absolutely crucial to take “rest days” when working out so you don’t get hurt. I’ve recently taken over 300 of them.