Just read the Ten Commandments for the first time and you can’t do shit with your neighbor
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I’m not coming down from this tree until the mayor agrees to save this park from demolition or sends a really tall ladder up here, maybe places some mattresses around the base.
Me getting up to pee after being comfortable in bed
incredible google review i just found
Because a fish decided to walk on land years ago, I am now forced to pay taxes and wear pants in public.
The judge scolded me for trying to get a crowd wave going during my trial, but deep down I think he thought it was pretty damn cool.
I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we drifted apart, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
[funeral]
Her: why is my dead grandfather wearing a diamond ring?
*sliding it off his finger*
Me: *gets down on one knee* because babe…
How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home
I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.
Hear me out. Shorts, but like for your full leg so they don’t get too cold
[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth
I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation
Spice girls: tell me what you want, what you really, really want
Me: I want all conditioner bottles to say NOT SHAMPOO in big red letters
[Staring at bedroom ceiling]
Her:Don’t worry. It happens to every guy
Me:Not to me it doesn’t!
*resumes trying to unscrew lid from pasta jar
9: What did that message on the TV say
Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen
9: How do they know what size TV we have?
what if “chicken patty” is just short for “chicken patricia”
I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.
Following a series of poor personal decisions I now owe the ferret mafia six grand and my only way out is to be the driver for a meat heist planned by a squirrel dragged back in for one last job, assisted by a weasel nobody trusts. Not even the stoat bagman.
Coworker: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: *stabs them in the neck with a pen*
Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.
Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.
It’s an epidemic…
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.
Detective: The robber broke into the Popeye’s but didn’t take any money, in fact no one has seen him leave.
Me *disguised as a cop*: Weird, right? We should put the fried chicken and red beans and rice in my Corolla for protective custody.
Bison may look friend-shaped, but they already have all the friends they want. Keep your distance and don’t make it awkward.
Today a kindergartener asked me if he could ask me a question and I said “sure” and then he did a somersault.
Fans that catch foul balls at baseball games should count as outs. Imagine professional athletes swarming some random dude with mustard on his face to end the 9th inning
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.