Kid: Dad, where do babies come from?
Me: Um…
Kid:
Me: You mix baby oil with baby powder. Stir in baby peas. Then you-
Kid: I’m asking mom.
Me: ᵒʰ ᵗʰᵃⁿᵏ ᵍᵒᵈ
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Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.
me: *nauseated from eating too much*
also me: did you say cake?
My 5yo got a watch for Christmas and now she’s announcing the time every single minute. Please respect our privacy during this difficult time.
is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?
[a giant killer salmon is attacking the city]
cop: [throws smoke bomb]
me: “all you’ve done is make him extra delicious you idiot”
My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today
I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You thought I was black?
Cop: Haha. Yep. You’re free to go sir
the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling
friend: have u accepted jesus christ as yr savior so u can be allowed into the kingdom of heaven?
me: who all going?
“…tell me I can’t have a fish… I want a fish I’ll damn well have a fish… she’s not the boss of me… don’t know who that woman thinks she is…”
You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.
It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally
My teen thought it’d be funny to unfriend me on Facebook. I laughed and laughed and changed the wi-fi password. Good times!
I’m convinced the first ‘Kirsten’ was a typo. Everyone was like, “Yeah, obvious misspelling but she’s pretty cool so whatever,” and now we can’t get rid of ‘em because we let that first one slide
Apparently people mistook my innocent “what street did you grow up on” tweet for data mining.
Which is hysterical in a completely non-Russian bot fabricated to crack your Pinterest password & steal your Dog Sweater Vision Board ideas kind of way.
(genuine human laughter)
rich people are like we have to disguise the refrigerator
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk calmly to the lock.
We all know that communication is the key.
Once my wife asked me to tell her a story that would put her asleep, so I said “let’s talk about the history of operating systems.”
The exasperated gasp and nearly audible eye-roll told me I was on the right track! 😜
flight attendant looks at me then looks at the no smoking sign then looks back at me then looks at the brisket i have in my smoker
The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.
God: …and another of the seven deadly sins is sloth.
Sloths: bro
No. I would not like it if my dog knew how to talk, I taught my daughter to talk now all she does is make fun of me
Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.
*both typing*
5:02pm
you: babe i love you5:02pm
me: do you think shark pee is what makes the ocean salty
Me: Evil always thinks it’s doing right
My boss: I am just asking you to put your air-pods away for the meeting!!!
Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner
Me: was the “also” because the sun SETS or because the MOON rises?
Hemingway: couldn’t you have picked someone living to have dinner with
Took our children to Finland to visit Santa and the youngest wrote his Christmas list and popped it into Santa’s hand as we left his house in the North Pole. No fear like being told “Santa knows what I want” by a child who asked for nothing but M&S ham the previous Christmas.
Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked.
Now I’m just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.