let’s play a round of hopscotch πβ π»ππΌ
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given that 14 was obsessed with garbage trucks as a toddler, youβd think heβd be better about throwing away his trash (more…)
I was walking into the store and some man said, “Hi beautiful,” and I replied, “Hello yourself.”
…. that’s when he pointed to his Bluetooth.
My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?
Me: Sunscreen?
if you canβt handle me at my honk shoo honk shoo, you donβt deserve me at my mimimimimi
Truth
Female giraffes on dating apps be like βMust be at least 20 feetβ
The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That’s when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake…
“Daddy, I was just in the bathroom peeing, nothing else. That’s all, so you don’t need to look.”
– my 6yo, not sounding at all suspicious
I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.
if you wanna be my lover you gotta get with my chins
Nighttime can be so great when you have insomnia. You can clean up the house, read, watch a movie or even rearrange your old racist neighbors garden knomes to make her think she’s losing her mind. I’ve really turned into quality ‘me time.’
βMOOOOOOMMM!!!β
There should be a dimmer on refrigerator lights so you’re not hit with full sunlight blast when you’re cruising for food at 3 a.m.
Movie idea: a gang of precision bank robbers, who wereβnow get thisβtrainedβ¦byβ¦aβ¦Doberman.
retweet this to electronically sign my petition to ban windmills worldwide . we’ve had enough bird casualties . and for what ?more wind ?
π€£could you imagine
I went deep sea fishing once and caught what I thought was a marlin, but was actually a catfish with a party hat glued to its face.
Her: you’re in no state to drive
Me: Jesus will take the wheel
Jesus: can’t… drunk
Me: but you were only ordering water all night
Jesus: *tries to wink at camera*
Auto correct changed βyou allβ to βyβallβ and now I end all my sentences βbless their heart.β
I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps
Went jogging and came back after 2 minutes because I forgot something.
Forgot Im out of shape and can only jog for 2 minutes.
Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.
Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.
People are having sex, kissing, and cuddling right now and you are reading thisβ¦.. trust me Iβm not happy about this eitherπππ
People who have drive and determination impress me. Yesterday one of my kitchen drawers got stuck and I was like, guess Iβm never using a fork again.
My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”
Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
βHow about a month filled with stress and obligation?β β Pitch for December
People make you wonder just how bad prison would really be