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You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.
Me: There are plenty of ways to skin a cat
Cat (pulls out switchblade): Oh, you wanna dance, tweet boy? C’mon – bring it!
my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband
you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser
I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.
Single: We do it like rabbits
Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet
Of all the galaxies that have ever existed, how do all of these idiots manage to come into mine?
-Me at work talking to guests.
Me: Two men enter, one man leaves
Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?
My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.
When it comes to politics I’m an agnostic. I don’t believe there’s an honest politician nor can I prove that one does not exist.
“You’re an athlete,” I whisper to myself, as I begin my third attempt to get out of the couch.
My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.
Job interview:
– Good morning
– Good morning
– Have you got a twitter account?
– Yes
– Ok, thanks for your time. We’ll get back to you
Social norms ?
We grew up thinking it’s perfectly normal that Tom and Jerry were always naked and only wore swimsuits when at the beach.
*spins in chair* Ah, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expect- *cat sitting in my lap freaks out and scratches the shit out of me*
I asked my 5-year-old what she was on because she was having such a good time wiggling and being weird. She looked at me like she finally met the dumbest person in the world, “the couch.”
If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.
YES
YES
YES
YES
YES
-me watching the pizza delivery guy on my GPS app as he gets closer to my house
Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option
Just remembered when my high school changed the dress code to forbid “non-human-colored hair,” and this girl showed up with neon-pink braids the next day, and when they tried to send her home her mom said “I’m her colorist and I am in fact human.”
My neighbor, when something bad happens to me: Remember, everything happens for a reason.
Me, when my neighbor’s packages are mistakenly delivered to me: [whispers] This was meant to be.
Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.
I once put a cigarette out on someone’s arm for telling me that we didn’t evolve from giant centipedes. I graduated college, I know things.
If you’re feeling butterflies in your stomach, go make yourself a sandwich. It’s called being hungry.
Me: everything happens for a reason
Her: can I get your number?
Me: I don’t believe in “accidents”
Her: I’ll also need your insurance
The guy who answered my call ended it with “Bye, I love you” then immediately called back to apologize.
I told him too late, he’s my boyfriend now.
waiter: bread for the table?
me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)
My wife has given me some birthday cake to take to my friends at work.
They do not know about it.
She will never know if they received it.I now have what I like to call “my cake.”
Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit