Trouble brewing at Symphony Hall. It’s the bottom of Beethoven’s 9th, and the bassists are loaded.
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[United]
This is your captain speaking. Underneath each of your seats is a broadsword. In the words of Highlander, there can be only one.
Duolingo getting serious.
I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok
me, in the confessional: well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers.
the priest: is there another religion you can join?
My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.
People who don’t follow you but comment on tweets with ridiculously stupid opinions are just hecklers with all the charm of a pedophile.
I always sharpen my guest bed of nails before my mother-in-law comes to visit.
BLIND DATE: My last boyfriend thought he was such hot stuff. But he was really just a big fish in a small pond.
ME, a giant worm in a hat and trench-coat: Ha, what a loser! But seriously like how big specifically though?
I’m keeping my wedding small. Probably won’t have a bride.
The overwhelming urge to stick my finger in queso every time I see some is why I could never work at a Mexican restaurant.
A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig
Sometimes somebody will retweet something from way back in my timeline and I’ll think “oh god, what all did they see to get there”
Boss: “you’re fired”
Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”
Client – is your boss available
Receptionist – he’s currently una –
Me – he’s been in the bathroom for almost 20 damn minutes
Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT
[looking at our kids baby photos]
me: ugh, this one came out real bad
wife: oh yeh, just get rid of it
me: ok. *shouting* TIMMY! PACK YOUR BAGS
My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.
It’s subtle, but if a snail has the zoomies, listen close for a soft little wheeeeeeee!
Yes I’ve gained weight. Too many people wanted to have sex with me. It was annoying.
Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations
Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*
Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.
Meet Sugar, she doesn’t like to be ridden. If Sugar is approached with a saddle she lyes down and pretends to be asleep. Sugar refuses to open her eyes until the riders leave.
her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot
[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]
Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!
I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.
“I loves hows you’ve done me spinach Doc!” Popeye tells his host.
Hannibal winks. “The secret is to add a bit of Olive Oil.”
“It got weird, didn’t it? ”
*Leaves on a pogo stick.*
Research is preliminary but we estimate the number of crimes actually solved by boy detectives to be somewhere in the neighborhood of zero.