*Lysol kills 99.9% of germs on my counter*
LYSOL: “Hey .1% germs…
( -_-)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Tell your friends”
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I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.
Me, in DM rooms…
Walked outside to say hello to the owl and the neighbor thought I was saying hi to him.
If you think a woman is speaking to you, look around and make sure she isn’t talking into a tree. She is probably actually speaking to an owl.
We have a fun thing at work where we hide things as a joke. For example, I just hid Nicole’s bowl of candy corn in the dumpster outside.
Child: Mommy said I’m allowed to say the C-word now.
Me: Uh. What C-word?
Child: The bad one.
Me:
Child:
Me: Mommy is letting you say-
Wife [running in from other room]: CRAP SHE MEANS CRAP
i don’t give a shit what you losers think i’m clapping when the plane lands
me: I miss handshakes
cannibal: have mine I’m not thirsty
I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.
Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.
Mario: hey u up?
Princess: yeah y?
M: come over 😉
P: can’t. Kidnapped 🙁
M: Where? I’ll save u
P: castle. Up stairs, next 2 flagpole
M: k
*on walkie-talkies
Them: you don’t have to make that noise with your mouth it happens automatically
Me: Oh. Roger that. Over. kkkssssh.
“I have limits.”
As I sit and sip glue from my coffee cup to hold myself together.
Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
Dog: I have to go outside.
Me: Okay.
Dog: I really really need to go outside.
Me: Okay okay I’m coming.
Dog: YOU NEED TO TAKE ME OUT NOW.
Me: OMG I’m right here let’s go.
Dog: Hold on I have to stretch for ten minutes.
Am I relying on you to cover up all these blood stains after murdering my ex?
BLEACH I MIGHT BE
I’m quiet and not great about confronting neighbors, so I renamed our wifi Everyone Hates Your Rooster, Greg.
How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.
BREAKING: Pot calls kettle “black”. “Racial tension at boiling point” says mayor of kitchen cupboard
I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.
I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.
I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers
If I’ve learned anything from this year, it’s that my family needs no more than 1 can of tuna for a pandemic. In a panic I bought 20 cans of tuna and 9 months later we have 20 cans of tuna.
My husband: Put on something hot and do a sexy dance for me, baby.
Me: *puts on Snuggie and does the worm*
I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow
If every human in the world jumps off a mountain we’ll probably eventually evolve to fly.
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
ARSONIST: I will be the firefighter’s greatest enemy.
GUY WHO PUTS CATS IN TREES: I will also be that.
My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.
At times like this, I ask myself “what would Jesus do?” and then I hide in a cave for three days