Me: 1yo’s little baby legs are so chonky and sweet. I want to eat them.
3yo: Mommy, NO. We do NOT EAT PEOPLE.
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[if my brain were a computer]
uhg why’s the calculator app being so slow
*closes math tab to reveal 53 other tabs all playing cottoneye joe*
An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”
Murderer 1: well this is awkward
Murderer 2: omg Dave haha what are the chances!
Murderer 1: how’s Carol?
Murderer 2: you know, same old same ol-
Me: EXCUSE ME
*first day at gymnastics class*
Teacher: So you mentioned before you were really good at the bars? Let’s see it!
Me: Oh…um, sure? Hey man can I have 2 beers and round of shots for the table cheers bro.
Teacher: *under his breath* damn he’s good
When I’m guilted into going to a dinner party I didn’t want to, I like to sneak off into the kitchen and slip a few small pieces of LEGO into the pepper grinder that’ll be used at the table. That way dinner is colourful and festive.
I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.
me: “that sounds terrifying”
waitress:
me:
waitress: “what sounds terrifying?”
my wife: “he thinks you said ghost cheese not goats cheese”.
20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party
40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party
i usually decompose after work rather than decompress
If a woman texts you three questions you should only answer one. They love that.
I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.
It’s almost like someone got the entire past year wet and fed it after midnight.
How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.
WARDEN: Any final words before you’re hung?
ME: How many of these have you done? It’s hanged, you idiot.
WARDEN: *just shoots me*
Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun
[first day as undercover cop]
me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines
mobster:
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
Can you imagine the abject horror I experienced when I saw the groom pull out a guitar and tell us he was about to hold a sermon?
Nothing in my life has made me more insecure than the amount of scam emails I get claiming I’ve won an Oral B toothbrush. Is this now my worth? A mere toothbrush? I used to correspond with Nigerian Princes
When people ask your age, respond in Celsius.
*accidentally summons malevolent demon at a séance*
I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER!
[4 days later]
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY
Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.
Does anyone else start driving like there’s 4 dismembered bodies in the trunk when a cop is behind you?
Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.
-Kids
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral
I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.
The lights begin to flicker
The hair stands up on your neck
A chill comes over the roomMe to the ghost: STOP TOUCHING THE THERMOSTAT
I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.
Imagine having a party on purpose.