me: here’s an idea. a dishwasher that ‘beeps’ when it’s finished
CEO: yeah. like, twenty times
me: lmao two or three times is more than enou-
CEO: TWENTY TIMES
me: but-
CEO: T̶̨̮̲̱̎͐̾͒͑W̴̨̺̭͛͗͆̀E̸̦̾̇͗͝Ṅ̴̦̪̿̇T̸̩̫̐̾͒Y̷̨͇̯̞̌́́͌ ̵̧̜͚͛̕͘T̶̛̞͑̒͑̅Ḯ̵͚̆̕M̵̫̠͉̀Ë̸͔̝̬́̌̈͘S̶̝̘̓̽͒̒͑-
You Might Also Like
Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts
So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?
I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.
Tall people everywhere want you stop asking them if they play basketball:
Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.
I’ve been with my bf for a little over a year now and my future mil has already vowed to never speak to me again. How was I chosen for this blessing? Did I win some kind of award?
nobody’s gonna understand
What kind of doctor are you?
-Apathologist
A… pathologist?
-No, apathologist. People come to me when they need medical don’t care.
I have 2 cats and 2 dogs so I feel comfortable giving parenting advice. Mostly you have to check how much protein there is in the bag before you buy them food.
I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.
NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while
It’s 5pm and I’m pretty sure my husband’s trying to get me drunk. Joke’s on him, I’ve been drunk since noon.
Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.
*first date*
Guy: I like a girl who’s good with money
Me: the city will bury you for FREE if they can’t identify your body
I invited Jim for dinner
“Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?”
[Loud thud on the roof]
*sigh* “I’ll get the ladders”
The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.
Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets
Me: I love eating nerds
Boy: (brings me Nerds candy)
Me: no, not that kind.
My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.
I told my tween to exercise so he sat on the couch and told me he was exercising — his right to freedom. I was mad, mostly that I never thought of that one myself.
Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”
Yea baby you like them thick?
Check out my orthopedic shoes.
My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?
4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!
Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.
4: Why?
Flirting tip.
Ask a woman if she’s pregnant. When she says she’s not, ask her if she wants to be.
Trust me, I’m a guy from Twitter.
Groundhogs around the world are sitting around complaining about Phil and how ‘he doesn’t deserve the fame for doing what ANY groundhog can do!’
Me: There are plenty of ways to skin a cat
Cat (pulls out switchblade): Oh, you wanna dance, tweet boy? C’mon – bring it!
When an ex mansplains something to you it’s called “explaining”
Priest: Don’t chew gum in church.
Me: If I don’t, I’ll have bad breath when I talk to God.
Priest:
Me: It’s your fault if I go to hell.
“Where were you?”
“Working late.”
“Do you think I’m stupid?”
“Don’t be paranoid, Loretta.”
“Paranoid? Paranoid?!?”
“Just calm d-”
“GO LOOK IN THE MIRROR MARVIN.”