Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.
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Me: Do that thing I like.
Him: *gives me the good allergy pills*
I just saw a reel where a momfluencer claims that if you just play with your toddler for 15 minutes a day, they won’t have tantrums, and I’m pretty sure this woman has never met a toddler in her life
I just told my boss that “STFU” stands for “Sincere Thanks For Understanding” and it’s REALLY important that none of you tell him otherwise
Expert: your husband?
Woman: that’s right. Len.
Expert: well, as you can see Len’s flipping up men’s ties and if you look closely… there, see how he’s slipping potatoes into people’s bags? This is an activity we call ‘hi jinx’.
Woman: I thought it might be!The Antics Roadshow
[taking a knee]
Surgeon: Stop that woman!
My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.
I walked up to my 9yo and said, “How goes it?” He looks up at me and says, “God is history’s greatest serial killer.”
My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan
ROBBER: [looking through a drawer]
ME: [coming downstairs with a hockey stick]
ROBBER: [putting hands up] I’ll leave please don’t hurt me-
ME: Oh my god please don’t tell my wife I’m going to play 2 am hockey
The bartender said I could have a free drink if I stopped saying “that’s what she said” so I said “challenge accepted” and she replied “let’s see how long you keep this up”…and then I paid for my next drink
What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
Me: Haha I just never know what to do with my hands while getting my picture taken.
Cop taking my mugshot: Just hold still.
You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.
“Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?”
“Y”
“So I can make a stupid joke”
Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?
Me: *jumps out the window*
My favorite thing to do in cities is walk down busy sidewalks, pass by people, and say into my phone “Target is on the move.”
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
I’d like to time travel for the sake of mankind but more importantly to stop Brussels sprouts from happening.
Bought a kazoo to stick in my husband’s mouth when he snores so he can wake himself up in the most annoying way possible
I saw a hummingbird outside my kitchen window first thing this morning. Guess it forgot the lyrics.
My first child will be named New Folder.
Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.
“You’re saying it’s all an act?
Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.
The fact that folks get so riled up over nudity but aren’t upset that anybody could be carrying a gun makes me want to shoot people.
just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”