Me: I am so approachable and easy to get along with
Anyone: hey girl
Me: 😠
Anyone: excuse me ma’am
Me: 😡
Anyone: yo mister
Me: 😡😡😡
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Me: Ugh HBO is so annoying only releasing one episode at a time so I have to wait a whole week for the next one.
Also me: Ugh Netflix is so annoying releasing the entire series at once so I finish it in 2 days and have nothing to look forward to.
Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.
[Jesus is resurrected after 3 days]
Mary Magdalene: I KNOW YOU SAW MY TEXTS
Fall, when my kids clean the yard by bringing ALL the leaves into the house
Another day, another round of men asking, “Why are women attracted to this mildly unconventional looking dude?” Honey, every woman you know has a crush on the cartoon fox version of Robin Hood, and this is what baffles you?
Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog
So much gross product placement in THE SHINING. It’s like, fine, I’ll buy an axe.
“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.
*Dresses up as a large butter knife
Im a super spreader
This guys talking about “Calm down, everything happens for a reason”. Then he gets all angry when I punch him in the face. What a hypocrite.
You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.
*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*
My favorite part of cleaning, cooking, laundry, school lines, sports practices, games, sleep regression and back and forth to appointments with my kids is when someone says how lucky I am not to work
Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food
My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.
There should be an Amazon driver at the Mall during the holidays so adults can sit on their lap and tell them what they want
Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave
At least he brought enough for everyone
*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*
LADY: MY JACKET!!!
I’ve never understood the purpose of apps like Nextdoor. It sounds like it’s all just insane people looking out their window and then writing “suspicious man in brown shirt and shorts left three suspicious boxes in our lobby”
Got some shoes from a drug dealer , I don’t know what he laced them with coz I’ve been tripping all day.
Have friends in your life that can text you things like ‘I’m playing with fire’ and you’re unsure if they’re using a metaphor or dabbling in arson.
“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying
I’m not saying iPhone’s are overpriced, but with the money I saved by buying an Android, I bought a Tesla, a Rolex and a trip to Hawaii.
Me too door. Me too.
Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.
I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge
Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you to kill a spider then realized you used her shoe
This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”
Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.
Me two seconds later: Oh no!