ME: is he always this quiet
WIDOW: *sobs harder*
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Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.
Being eaten by zombies sounds less painful than running away from zombies.
“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
I stop strangers from talking by smelling their hair & saying,”You smell like Pa. Pa loved his wood chipper. Never did find them drifters.”
I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.
Listen, it took 5 Guys to make that burger. That’s why it’s $16.99.
I’m not saying my job sucks, I’m just saying that if you tried to abduct me in the office parking lot on my way into work, I’d struggle just until I was out of view of the corporate security cameras. Then I’ll happily get in your van AND I’ll buy you breakfast at Waffle House.
At my funeral will you make sure the pallbearers say things like
“Wow, She’s so light.” and “Is she even in here?”
I went to a club called Innuendos last night. I’m banned but managed to slip in the back doors.
My first landlord was murdered and my new landlord is potentially kicking us all out by selling my building…which is all incredibly stressful because there’s just no way I’m going to get away with it twice
I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.
I feel like a voodoo doll living in a Barbie world.
I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.
I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.
Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.
Neighbor’s garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life
Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails
The year 2077. Due to the dog filter, face swap, and distortion filters, senior citizens have no idea what they really looked like as teens.
BREAKING: Hillary Clinton concedes election to Donald Trump, saying “I just can’t see how I can win after Scott Baio endorsed Trump.”
[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad
Executive Vice President of Coca-Cola: “we refresh the world.” So modest. We all know it’s more than that. It also removes rust from chrome bumpers.
If you love her, shout it from the rooftops. Tell everyone around you. Tell the internet. Tell the cashier at cvs. Tell a hobo. Tell her husband. Whatever.
Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?
I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.
I don’t understand why people want a sandwich after sex. I just want my money back.
Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.