Me: No one told me raising a baby would be sooo hard 😰
My baby:
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[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
Just saw Stuart Little hit a kid and keep driving
I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.
Me in the future: Son, you’re going to go far.
Son, fiddling with the catapult straps: I question your judgment daily.
Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.
“This may be our 85th viewing of this movie, but we’ll watch it as intently as if it was only our 23rd”
-Toddlers
I don’t need armpits that smell like fruit salad or “sexy intrigue”. I exude that naturally.
The fruit salad smell. Not the sexy intrigue.
*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*
I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS
I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me; mistakenly as it were because I have the nerves of a guinea pig and puke when I cry.
You can’t give me a mini fan at work and expect me not to spend the whole morning pretending I’m a model doing a photo shoot. It’s science.
Do you want contact-free delivery?
□ Yes
▣ No
PEN SHOP OWNER: *Revealing huge sign with slogan he just created* “The pen is mightier than the sword”
SWORD SHOP OWNER NEXT DOOR: Jesus Christ, Phil, why would you—we’re not even in competing markets!
Yes, your honor, he was running from me in a threatening manner. I was in fear of my life.
When I’m older my plan is to mostly talk gibberish then very occasionally turn to a grandchild and say
‘Of course the money is all in that account in Switzerland’.And then start talking gibberish again.
Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
Waiter: How is the chicken?
Me: Not great. I think he might be dead.
[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family
I carry a rolled up yoga mat so people think I’m fit but really it’s just a great way to hold 2 footlong meatball subs.
All excellent questions
Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?
“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend
What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.
who called them poets and not rhyme machines?
It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine
People are teaching their dogs how to skateboard and my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be picked up, won’t walk”.
Jesus: “BRAINS!”
*everyone looks scared*
Jesus: “Just kidding! I’m fine, I’m fine.”
A big storm is coming & everyone’s buying bread, milk, and eggs. Apparently you battle bad weather with French Toast.
Gen Z: I hate my boss
Millennial: me too but instead of posting it on social media I slowly let the air out of his tires like a well adjusted grown up