Me: [touches wife’s arm] ⚡️ZAP⚡️
Wife: hey you shocked me!
Me: oh no! I am so sorry.
Wife: it’s ok. it’s not like you did it on purpose.
Me: [under breath] pika pika.
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My doctor said I look pretty & I am taking that as her professional medical opinion no take backsies
They say the human body is 60% water, but after extensive observation of my husband and son, I’d like to submit a revision to the data. Those two are at least 50% wind.
Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.
My wife tells me we have an event at 5 PM that requires a suit. I’m antisocial enough to appreciate hiding behind several layers of cloth.
Killer: come out come out wherever you are
Me: *hiding*
Killer: omg what a cute puppy!
Me: *jumps out* i wanna see the pup…oh man
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all French toast.
*Relationship status*
Me: I’m heading off now.
Wife: Yayyy.
“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”~Bowling pins
My toxic trait is opening a message, then replying 10 years later when you’ve forgotten who I am
Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.
Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.
*lying in bed*
*drops chip down cleavage*
*thinks, I’m so tired, leave it
*also, mmmmm, breakfast*
Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.
Them: how are you?
Me: anxiety riddled and cute as a button… but like, a button that’s been at the bottom of a sewing bag since your grandma was in home ec
My children are the reason hurricanes are named after humans.
Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!
me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
“Age is just a number”
…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account
two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???
I asked my son to take the garbage out and he immediately tried to pick up his brother and boys are fun.
My cat, an idiot: Those ornaments look exactly like my toys. Why can’t I play with them?
Me, pinnacle of animals: That felt frog wearing a top hat is to celebrate The Lord
My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.
I call bullshit.
My left ovary feels sore… like it was working out? I guess I’d say it’s
ovary active
FRIEND: ready to go body surfing?
ME: [unstrapping a corpse from my car roof] let’s do it
Told my father a joke on our last call. He no longer wants me to visit in July.
where do y’all wanna go tonight? Bars? The club?
“THE BOG OF DESPAIR”
Gary, after the forest of skulls debacle you don’t get to pick anymore
Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.
[lying in bed after sex]
Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark
It’s hard to take no prisoners in a war against puppies.