Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.
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*possum hospital
Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute
starbucks: we’ve banned plastic straws!
me: oh hell yes
starbucks: yeah we’ve got these cool new lids instead
me: what are they made of
starbucks: plastic
me:
starbucks:
me:
starbucks: wait shit
I’m so annoyed. I just spent 45 minutes filing my taxes and I only found out at the end it was a Buzzfeed quiz. I was like why does the IRS want to know what breakfast I think is “the most slay?” Anyway I’m a Ravenclaw.
*offers dog a treat*
Dog: I have a boyfriend
[talking to my guide dog]
this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again
[from a nearby speaker]
“FIFTEEN-LOVE”
The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.
My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.
Jesus probably figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.
College football is great bc every guy on the field is the best football player to come out his HS in years or perhaps ever but then you get a matchup where one of the guys is a future 9x Pro Bowler & the other guy is a future litigation attorney and thats when the magic happens
As I stood there looking at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself …………I’m gonna get thrown out of ikea in a minute..
When you text “Hugs” to someone and autocorrect decides what they really need is a lesson in particle physics and changes it to “Higgs”.
If anyone needs some loose IKEA parts, let me know. Also, if you’re ever at my apartment, I’d avoid sitting on or touching any of my furniture.
At 11am my neighbour told me she’d been for a run, baked a cake and done 2 loads of laundry so I told her if she came at me with that kind of talk again I’d have to call the police
[teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it
Turns out, you can live vicariously through anything if you try hard enough. Right now I’m a pumpkin being launched 1,000 feet across a field by a catapult at a Punkin Chunkin festival. Weeeee!
All the gas has sold out around here so I’m sending the husband out to buy a couple of horses.
Just a little reminder that the eight spiders you swallowed aren’t thrilled about it either
For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.
My first act as governor? Switching the tornado sirens out with C&C Music Factory’s Everybody Dance Now.
a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do
Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them
She doesn’t have a Gmail account cause all her males are hot
I dreamt I was drowning in the ocean, and woke up spitting on my pillow.
So yeah, you can say I get pretty wet n wild in bed.
I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.
[me as a passenger on the titanic]
oh ewww are there olives in this salad? YOU be quiet lillian, i swear this trip cannot possibly get worse
Relationship status: my husband bought a ukulele
My house fluctuates between smelling like a freshly baked cake or a tropical island vacation because aromatherapy provides what I cannot.
I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one