Me: *trying to take a shower*
My brain: SPICE DWARVES
Me: No
Brain: Sleepy, Happy, Scary, Ginger, Sneezy, Baby and Posh
Me: Why
Brain: 🎶if you wanna be my lover, you gotta do all my chores
Me: Nobody cares about the Spice Girls anymore, what is wrong with you
Brain: 🎶Hi HOOOOOO
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[gf falls asleep during a movie]
ME: aw
[i get a blanket]
ME: *hitting her w/ the blanket* wake up ur missing the part with gollum’s riddles
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
[rejected dialogue from star trek II: the wrath of khan]
khan: revenge is a dish with a dried glob of food on it that won’t come off no matter how hard you scrub
There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.
I realize I put this off but how much weight can I lose in 2 hours?
*lying in bed*
*drops chip down cleavage*
*thinks, I’m so tired, leave it
*also, mmmmm, breakfast*
just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I’m so confused
(three days later, in the shower)
STORMTROOPER: *slaps forehead* omg those WERE the droids I was looking for
Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit
Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement
Pinterest could’ve been an amazing dating site. If the project ideas came with men to do them, there wouldn’t be a single cat lady left.
guy: [drinking a coke]
me, hungover from a 3-day drug and alcohol-fueked bender: can’t believe he’s putting that garbage in his body
friend: what are your plans for The Purge?
[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]
me: do a murder
respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
“What do you like to do in your free time?”
Golf.
“Oh that’s cool. When’s the last time you played?”
8 years ago.
What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?
[IKEA meatball recipe]
1/2 lb ground beef
1/2 cup cream
1 small onion finely chopped
4 allen wrenches
20 minute argument
2 tbsp butter
lingonberry or some shit
you’re doing it wrong
salt to taste
just let me do it
Heroic Misunderstanding
You can’t make me happy, mate. You’re not a family sized packet of salty sweet popcorn.
I recently purchased some really good kitchen knives so now I have to stock up on bandaids because I clearly don’t know how to use really good kitchen knives.
i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it
I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.
Me: [plunging toilet] “Damn it, You kids are using entirely too much paper!”
7yo: “I don’t even wipe so I’m out of this.”
No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.
me making someone eat a chip with my mind
therapist : are you ever worried that-
me: Yes
Police officer is visiting my kid’s school.
Officer: So when things go bad, who you gonna call?
My son: *raises his hand*
Officer: Yes?
My son: Ghostbusters.
“Look at me at me when I’m talking to you, lady. Oh, no, no, not you, lady. I call my daughter lady. I’m so sorry.”
* me, in public on more than one occasion.
Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.