Whenever I’m facing a moral dilemma, I think of the advice my father gave me.
“Never leave a paper trail,” he’d say, tapping the glass partition between us for emphasis.
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Omg 🤣
At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.
Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.
I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
1st day of hunting season:
*puts on camo*
*climbs up in tree stand*
*waits w/binoculars to see one hunter accidentally shoot another hunter*
No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.
I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.
Get off my horse you stupid moon
yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth
I’m a 40 yr old man sitting at a Café with my eyes closed, squirting packets of mayo from under the table at the window as people walk by.
Considering both Bruce Wayne’s parents died and he used his inheritance to become Batman we should kill other billionaires and see what other cool shit we get
At my funeral I won’t need a coffin. I will be cremated from the neck down and my head will be on a stick. If you want to say anything about me you have to hold my head stick
My husband accepted an invite to a bbq for us and said we would bring a salad, like “we” has anything to do with it.
My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.
I have gotten outta bed 365 days a year for 37 years. That is 13,505 sit-ups.
And not ONE ab to show for it.
French guy (showing me his yachts): This is Un. This is Deux. This is Trois. This is Quatre. This is Six.
Me: Where’s the 5th?
FG: Cinq.
[taking baby’s shoes off]
Oh what a surprise. Clean soles. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.
What do you get when you stick three kids and two adults with full time jobs in a house 24 hours a day for 6 months and then add in zoom school? A toddler who walks around all day shouting “Oh Dear God!”, apparently.
Psychiatrist: You saw a doctor before me?
Me: Yes.
Psychiatrist: What was their diagnosis?
Me: ᵐᵘˡᵗⁱᵖˡᵉ ᵖᵉʳˢᵒⁿᵃˡⁱᵗʸ ᵈⁱˢᵒʳᵈᵉʳ
Psychiatrist: Excuse me?
Me: HE SAID MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER.
I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.
Judge: Order in the court
[from the back]
Me: Can I get a large pepperoni pizza with… [puts hand over speaker and looks around] what?
The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.
BABY WARDEN: ok lights out
BABY INMATES: but we’re scared of the dark
[pitch black]
BABY WARDEN: oh shit lights back on! lights back on!
Morning my dudes.
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
I really want a family
sized bag of peanut butter m&ms
I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I think people find me intimidating
Interviewer (nervously): maybe it has something to do with the-
Me: OMG, it has nothing to do with the giant hawk perched on my shoulder
A lot of people finally making good on their new year’s resolution to learn how to cook 👌
I told my 3-year-old the beans in her taco were chocolate jelly beans and she took 3 whole bites before she decided to never trust me again.