My 4yo started a 10-minute timer and a 12-minute timer at the same time. When the 10-minute timer went off first, she cried. She was rooting for the 12-minute timer to win.
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If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.
Doctor: I have bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: I just lost a ton gambling
Me: whew, I thought I was dying-
Doctor: I bet you weren’t dying
Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?
I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them
$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?
[Interview for the cucumber marketing board]
Me: Can we talk about salary?
Boss: Not if you want to keep your job
Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.
If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉
How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story
Don’t tell me about Stockholm Syndrome, I woke up at 6 AM on my first day of vacation wondering how things were going at work.
“Alexa, lock the door”
– me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED
my feed is like:
ANIMAL CROSSING
eat the billionaires
we are all doomed
ANIMAL CROSSING
gummy bears singing ‘Someone Like You’
ANIMAL CROSSING
we are gonna die
ANIMAL CROSSING
*sharpening guillotines*
ANIMAL CROSSING
ANIMAL CROSSING
SOCIALISM NOW
ANIMAL CROSSING
GOD: YOU ARE BANISHED FOR EATING THE FORBIDDEN FRUIT
Adam: sorry, Eve told me to!
Eve: i didn’t say “apple” i asked you to eat my a–
GOD: THAT ALSO IS FORBIDDEN
In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.
People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle
ME: can i start digging?
SOCIETY: wtf no that’s grave robbing
[waits an hour]
ME: how about now?
SOCIETY: ok now it’s archaeology
I have never seen an alcohol company using a drunk person for any advertising, are they ashamed of their customers?
[tsunami approaching]
guy: RUN
me: wait why is the T silent
I love spending 20 mins wrapping cocktail weiners in croissant dough so the 3yo at the party can take off the ‘crust’ and eat just the ‘hotdog’.
My Niece was just born in japan and got the Japanese Citizenship!
She’s now Japaniece!
If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together
and are these “NFTs” with us in the room right now?
Yoda: A Jedi, you will not be. Train Chewbacca, I will.
Luke: But why?
Yoda: Better piggyback rides, he gives.
I don’t have kids or a dog. What can I bring into a bar that will make everyone mad?
Toddler in our bed last night; it was like sleeping with an octopus on meth.
Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?
Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means
Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.
This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.
Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.