My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭
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*sees hot guy
*wiggles eyebrows
*licks lips
*winks, contact lens falls into coffee, sips coffee, gags on contact lens*mouths* “call me”
Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?
*Joe Biden nibbles Obama’s ear*
– Please stop it
*Joe whispers* Say it
– No go away
*angrily whispers* Say it!
– …please stop Biden my ear
8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂
[job interview]
HIM: What makes you think you’re qualified for the Social Media Director position?
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: Please put down the phone.
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: What the hell are you doing?
ME: Live tweeting this interview.
HIM: When can you start?
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
Host: Congratulations! You won the hot dog eating contest!
Me: *mouth full, sitting off to the side of the stage* The what?
local news anchors be like “dry cleaners robbed. more as it unfolds” or “priceless da Vinci stolen. details are sketchy” or “pool hall tables vandalized. cops have just scratched the surface” or “building elevator plunges. residents feel shafted” or “
Me: Hi.
Girl: No.
Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go…
it’s a running joke…
Lunchables™? huge waste of money! I have my kids mill their own wheat then hunt, kill & field strip a wild bologna
If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.
friend: make her feel wanted
me: okay
[later]
me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target
My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.
[Dinosaur Rap Battle]
We’re gonna win this for sure!
“Wait, what kind of dinosaurs are we again?”
WE’RE RAPTORS! Jesus Christ Owen
If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur
In lieu of burial, Mr. Peanut will be dry roasted and his remains will be scattered on the floor of a Texas Roadhouse.
Here’s why I’m opposed to pilots being obligated to wear boxing gloves for flights:
-Cost of buying the gloves might be passed on to customers
-Pilot loses gloves? Flight gets delayed
-A passenger wearing boxing gloves could be mistaken for the pilot and ordered to fly the plane
Gonna get my eye looked at today.. usually it’s the other way around
When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.
Watching fireworks is like listening to a kid’s story: you have to pretend to be enthralled every time, but in reality you lost interest after the first 3 minutes.
POLICE: POLICE! OPEN UP!
ME: My parents never loved me.
POLICE: NOT EMOTIONALLY! OPEN THE DOOR!
ME: That makes way more sense.
the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer
What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!
My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.
Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.
Whenever I work out, I wear a push-up bra so I can do more push-ups. If I didn’t, it’d be so embarrassing and people would laugh at me.
me: I can’t decide what to have
waiter: what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have lasagna