My 7yo said she hurt herself, and when my 9yo asked her to describe the pain, she just yelled, “AAAAAAAHHHHH” 😭💀
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My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.
For Lent, I am giving up “JESUS”.
PS: To be clear, I won’t use his name as my first attempt on Wordle for the next 40 days.
Every night when you sleep,I sneak into your house, full of desire.
I then reduce the amount of marshmallowy treats in your cereal&go home.
Her: When you said you could do magic in bed, this isn’t exactly what I was exp….
Me *holds up the ace of Spades*: Is this your card?
Her: Wow!
Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel
These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.
Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.
I am criminally attractive*
*attractive to criminals
Is there any way to tell a woman she has nice skin without her thinking you want to turn her into a jacket, especially one who really would make a nice jacket?
My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.
We will be telling them tonight.
I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married & live together so I’d have to see them every day.
[God creating the raccoon]
God: make it cute with a lil mask
Angel: haha aw okay
God: also make it eat trash
I want to make fun of kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.
It feels mighty hypocritical.
[inventing the parrot]
HOW ABOUT LIKE A TYE DYE CHICKEN WHO SCREAMS ACTUAL WORDS AT YOU
Apparently you’re not supposed to tell “That’s what she said jokes” during the Board meeting because it’s “inappropriate”
Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?
It’s as hard to defend Liverpool as it is for Liverpool to defend.
I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate
that I ate.
Screw you, targeted Facebook ad for adult diapers!
*thinks about not having to pause TV or games*
*orders some*
Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently
“People are acting crazy” says the interviewed shopper with the shopping cart piled high.
Sister1: People can see your bra when you lean forward
Sister2: Yeah a beige one would be less noticeable than turquoise
Me: Well if they’re gonna get a peek it may as well be pretty
Wishing a much deserved truly blessed day to my Instacart shopper who just told me she’s EGGCITED to get started on my order and for me to ROMAINE calm in case any items are out of stock, absolutely masterful, no notes
I don’t trust anyone who bikes to work for reasons other than a DUI
Is the female equivalent of a douchebag a douchebaguette?
Why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
not me out here checking the growth progress of my potted flowers only a couple hours after i planted the seeds in the first place
Happy: So there’s saliva on the foot area of Snow White’s glass coffin
*Dwarves all turn their heads*
Kinky: Oh, blame the new guy
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He’s never gonna give you Up.