my accountant: look at ur currently monthly budget:
· RENT: $800
· GAS: $200
· CHEEZ-ITS: $2,750me: ur right, i need a cheaper place.
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Anderson Cooper: “the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control.”
Arizona Wildfire: “Wow, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”
Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.
The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.
One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it
Playing catch with my 8yo, I missed a high throw and said “could’ve got that in my 30s.” He replied “oh yea when you get old you get shorter.”
I asked my husband to put honey on the shopping list and now it’s all sticky
ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.
PARAMEDICS: …
Woke up at 5am because I rolled over and my foot got too close to my dog and he started barking to make sure me and all my neighbors knew.
i did not spend hours helping you clean your house just to be yelled at for hiding dishes in the oven
Me: what do you want for dinner?
3yo: nothing.
Me: you want cheese on that nothing?
3yo: yes please.
Me: *squirting air bubbles into the sea monkey tank
7: I didn’t know those things were still alive.
M: That’s why you don’t have a dog.
Trying to eat the recommended eight cups of chicken burrito bowl a day. I’ve already noticed my sleep is better, less aches and pains etc.
Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder
All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.
[emergency]
[super hero appears]
GUY: It’s Doesn’t-Understand-Rhetorical-Questions Man. Boy, am I glad to see you!
HERO: I…I don’t know
It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.
Who called it a licence to own small amphibians and not Permit the Frog.
You can’t buy an umbrella. You can only inherit or steal one.
GOD: I will send you to Earth to be a martyr.
JESUS: What’s a martyr?
GOD: Not much, what’s a martyr with you?
doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.
People without kids who give other people’s kids messy or annoying toys..
Imagine that we gave you a monkey with a kazoo and fingerpaints..
9: I noticed there is bacon in the fridge
Me: yes
9: you gonna cook it?
Me: yes
9: I love you
Me: I know
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
bad news gang
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One time I was at a bar with some friends and I told my one friend he was being belligerent (he was) and for the rest of the night he was like “oh I’m belligerent huh? I’m belligerent?” And it was clear he didn’t know what the word meant
Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute
Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds
The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.
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Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?