My gf is so sweet… We just had that silly “hall pass” convo, ig she didn’t wanna make me jealous with a hunky celeb so she said some random nobody from her job ☺️ and she wasn’t remotely intimidated when my answer was Anna freaking Kendrick 😅
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I need to be locked up… in an ice cream factory.
It’s okay, facial recognition. I don’t recognize myself anymore either.
explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone
me: [taking off shirt]
wife: woah slow down there bud
me: [sadly buttoning] so we’re not having spaghetti tonight?
me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉
her: are those empty
“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”
*fireworks go off outside*
*opens window*
I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE
I gave her the red cup
Instead of the green
She threw her hands up
Proceeded to scream
I countered with reason
“I’ll fix this for you
Don’t start at a ten
When it’s barely a two”
She narrowed her eyes
Considered me swiftly
Ignored all my reason
And took it to fifty
*Attempts to use ‘I have a boyfriend’ meme*
Meme: I have a boyfriend.
ME: I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.
GUY: I love that song.
ME: What song?
Got fired from my job at the asthma clinic for trying to hit on women by asking if their favorite 90s band was Weezer.
sorry but I don’t want to go to another platform where I have to make things either aesthetically appealing (IG, TT) or like nerdy specialized (Reddit) I’m trying to be a talkative idiot
I’m at the point where my mind thinks I’m 29, my knees suggests I’m 80, and my back wonders why I’m not dead yet.
Dog: I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE
Me: *opens door*
Dog: *runs to my spot on the couch* smell ya later sucka
Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school
Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
Christians will say, “I can’t wait to get to Heaven,” and then wear a seatbelt. Y’all pick a lane
wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600
At my age, “you shook me all night long” sounds like a complaint.
[bank robbery]
Me: this is a hold up
[later at the police station]
Cop: wait, so you weren’t one of the robbers?
Me: [just likes to say what things are] this is a police station
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.
I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.
Not only did I finally find my car keys when I sat down on the couch I also got my first piercing
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded
Mom: So, do you have someone special in your life?
Me: Define “someone”
Mom: You know, a boyfriend.
Me: Define “boyfriend”
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
i havent decided yet
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
i still need a few more mins with the menu you are a really terrible waiter
Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.
Looking good, Kim! #LNSM
IT guy just called to say “ok, you’re cute” I told him that’s sweet but I don’t actually date at work, he paused for a long time and said the application you asked me about? It’s queued.