My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂
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In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.
I have mixed feelings about birthdays, the aging sucks but I do quite enjoy using the day to manipulate people into giving me things.
I knew someone who shared a birthday with her brother, and their sister’s birthday was the day before, and I always felt like that gave me way too much info about their parents
I think my toddler said her first three word sentence today. I was so proud! I asked her if she wanted a hug and she said “no want it!”
Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.
Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.
Me: *sits* *bounces*
Salesman: What do you think?
Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.
Salesman: Please leave.
[hell]
Satan: this is our library
Me: cool i love reading
Satan: we only have the twilight series
*Speeding*
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: My singing?
Cop:
Me: My smile?
Cop:
*From the back of cop car*: My dance moves?
Me: *in bed with dogs*
*car drives down street*
Dogs: HOW DARE YOU MAKE A NOISE WHILE OUR HUMAN IS SLEEPING, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?
Me: At least I’ve lost 5 lbs over the past week because of my depression
Therapist: Great, but happiness is our focus, not your weight loss, and you may gain it back once you achieve the feeli-
Me: OH MY GOD PEGGY CAN YOU JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE
If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.
11: can I see one of your last tweets?
Me: *pulls up tweet*
11: no, I meant a funny one
It’s always annoying to be woken up by some guy mowing his lawn.
Just go around me, man.
If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.
LOCAL BOTS ARE SICK AND TIRED OF PRETENDING TO BE HOT LOCAL SINGLES AND WANT YOU TO ACCEPT THEM AS THEY ARE; LINES OF CODE AND NOTHING MORE
Oooh honey, you were amazing last night. Can we do that again tonight?
Him: “… I slept on the couch.”
Mmmm yeahh
The Bachelorette would be a lot more entertaining if the girl was a Praying Mantis.
The two FIFA World Cup 2014 songs are Ole Ola & La La La.
Our linguistic evolution as humans never ceases to amaze me.
Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.
BOSS: you’re late
ME: *grabs cup out of his hand* it’s pronounced “latte” but thanks
I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.
He’s Dead.
Spider-Man: I climb like a spider and shoot webs to prevent crime!
Ant-Man: I shrink to the size of an ant to defeat enemies!
Cowboy: I uh
Spider-Man: Go on!
Cowboy *quietly* I have 4 stomachs
surgeon: says here he also has night terrors
patient: (under anesthesia) ahhh!!!
surgeons: ahhh!!!
What i said : I really like this song
What i meant : Shut your face for the next few minutes
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away” even works on PhDs if you have a decent fastball
My boss: There are no stupid questions
Me: Do people get discounted manicures if they’re missing a finger?
My boss: I’m going home early
I have a recording saved on my phone that it to be sent to my boss the day after I die. All I say is “So, you aren’t going to believe this but I’m going to be late.”
I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.
They’re watchdogs.