My husband got me a really sweet card for our anniversary. I read the whole way through, and the very last part says “happy birthday” 😂
He was so close.
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Feel like these super villains wouldn’t have to steal so much if they didn’t insist on paying for all their goons to be wearing the same outfit.
Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.
*therapist writes in pad*
Me: Sometimes I feel like people don’t notice me-
*therapist jumps*
Therapist: SHIT! HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?
I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos
me: I wish there were more hours in my day
the sun at 5:30 a. m.: hey
m; eew. no. not you.
[paleontology class]
PROFESSOR: can anyone tell me the period in which dinosaurs went extinct?
STUDENT: uh the Jurassic?
PROFESSOR: bingo!
STUDENT: *smug look*
PROFESSOR: *marking paper* I just finished my dumb answers bingo, it was the Cretaceous
Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I’m taking a morning after pill NOW.
excuse me, waitress?
“I’m not a waitress”
Oh, what are you then
“Well, I’m a..*turns to other burger king employee* what the hell are we?”
My couch doubles up as a bed, a work station, a cheeto hiding place…. it’s like the other furniture isn’t even trying!
*Organizing closet*
Husband: Where do you want your wedding dress?
Me: Oh, just put it with the others.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
Cashier: That’ll be $29.95 sweetheart
Me: Here you are, pumpkin face
Cashier:
Me: oh, I’m sorry, were we not giving eachother cute nicknames?
Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.
You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down.
Guy: [strolling along] Well, at least I have my heal- *piano falls on his head*
Me: [leaning out my apartment window] Oh no! My piano!
If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away
I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasn’t even moved.
My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.
Do you ever eat a mint and then take a sip of cold water and it hurts your teeth and then all your teeth fall out and they form a pentagram on the floor and the lights shut off and your ears start ringing and the ringing turns into an explosive roar
As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying
the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest
Made a really scary jack-o-lantern this year.
I bet the first person to keep track of his age was a gigantic tool
“This is my 24th winter”
Shut up and help us kill this boar, Stuart
[proposing to my Karate gf]
Me: So, will you marry me?
Her: I’m not sure….
Me: Dojo breakin’ my heart, LOL
Her: Now I’m sure it’s a no.
WIFE: Having your phone in your jeans pocket will make you infertile & stop us having more kids
ME: *shoves 10 phones & microwave in pocket*
True story:
I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.
My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.
a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people